JUNK MAIL

I just finished up some long days at work. I’ve been checking my in-box quickly as of late. Checking to see if loved ones and friends had sent something to me and looking for responses to submissions and queries I’d emailed to editors and writers. Looking for the good stuff.

Normally I delete the junk mail file without even looking. I hadn’t deleted any in a couple of days and was amazed at the amount that had accumulated. After a quick division in my head, I figure that I’m receiving at least one junk mailer per hour. That’s a lot of people and/or companies sending me stuff. I’ve never bought a single item from an email advertisement that I can recall. Okay, small clarification here. I do look at advertisements that writers send out (usually in their newsletters but sometimes not) and the latest sale at Discount DVD but these aren’t in my junk file. I don’t mind these and I usually know they’re coming.

But who are all these other folks and what are they selling? I got curious so today I looked. Second clarification. I didn’t open any of them. I looked at who sent it and at the subject line. Here’s what I found:

Four companies wanted to consolidate my debts, one wanted to refinance my loans, and four more wanted to offer me loans even if I had Bad Credit. Thanks for thinking of me but I’m doing okay. Didn’t guys who loaned money to people with bad credit used to be called loan sharks? Just wondering.

Toyota wanted to offer me parts and service with special benefits. That’s cool … except I don’t own a Toyota.

Seven emails were for health and medical benefits. One came four times with the same subject line: “You’ll have them soon.” Maybe I should’ve opened one of those. Because I know, as soon as my head hits the pillow tonight, my brain will start asking, ‘What will you have soon?’ Were they talking about the bird flu pandemic, the black plague or toe jam? I’m in for another restless night. I know it.

Hydroderm wants me to have smoother, softer skin. Why am I always the last to know? I swear I didn’t realize I had a smooth, soft skin issue.

Then eDiets sent me two emails. One to tell me about the Cheater’s Diet and the other offering Butt Exercises. First, there is only one diet that really works. Consume less food and exercise more. Second, I know I’m a little heavier than I should be but highlighting my butt as a major problem is downright mean. Hey, my feelings are hurt.

A bunch of places are having merchandise sales. Thanks for letting me know you have a lotta stuff left over from Christmas that didn’t sell but I’m still broke from buying stuff at Christmas that you managed to sell. To me. Even if I wasn’t, why would I want a Rolex replica? I am wondering why Target, eBay, and Limited Too want me to know they’re having sales on women’s attire? Okay, there was that one time when the little one was spending the night at a friend’s and we were in a playful mood and she asked and I obliged … never mind, I’m going off on a tangent here.

Someone named Mary wants to give me a “Free Ring Tone.” I must’ve got the deluxe model cell phone. Ring tones were included. Jessica needs to know if I “wanna do it.” Do what? A Greek person named viagsecreterectus emailed me but I have no idea what they wanted because the subject line was blank. Sherry sent two invites but didn’t say what for. Don’t know anyone named Sherry. Must’ve had the wrong address. I was also invited to an Adult Webcam Party. Darn, I’d already made plans for that night. Wish you’d contacted me sooner. Maybe next time. Adult Fun wanted me to know they had “wowsers.” I’ll take odds that they don’t.

The last one was the most troubling and anxiety inducing. From: Your-f*ck-buddy. Subject: I need it now. Of course, you do. Losing a vowel in your name has to be devastating. Oh, my gosh, if my name read Chr*st*ph*r I’d need it now, too. Wish I could help. I don’t even know a good vowel hunter. Try the Yellow Pages. Good luck on your hunt.

There were others but that’s enough. Tonight will already be a long tossing-and-turning one as I ponder my butt, softer skin, having them soon, and vowels suddenly falling off my name. From now on, it’s straight to the delete button on junk mail. I think it’s safer. And remember: Don't try this at home. I am a professional stunt junker.