SPICY THEN NICOTINE-FREE

*

I think I'm trying to kill myself off. I love spicy chicken wings -- both boned and boneless. The other day I had several. They were delicious. But. The big but. Woke up the next morning with nuclear heartburn. I swallowed several Rolaids and drank a half-gallon of milk. Not good. Is this one of the signs of getting older?

*

Then. I want to quit smoking. Been failing miserably. I bought a pack of herbal, nicotine-free cigarettes. Cost twice as much as regular buds. They are made with leaf of lotus, corn silk, and licorice root. I figured if I could wean myself off the nicotine, I could soon break the habit altogether. Smoking is the second stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. Anyway, I lit one of those herbal sticks up and inhaled. Thought I was gonna die right there, right then. Sucking on a car tailpipe would've been a smarter thing to do.

*

Okay. I'm done grousing. For the moment. Hey, if I smoke a spicy wing I'll ... never mind. Another lame idea in a long line of lame ideas.

THIS IS MY LITTLE BUDDY, SABRINA

*

DO I LOOK LIKE ...?

*

The other day, Annie told me I looked like Al Swearengen (Ian McShane) in Deadwood. I found a website called My heritage (http://www.myheritage.com/). One of the features is that it matches your photo with celebrities. I put in the one photo I have on the computer. The program said I most looked like Edward Norton from American History X. I wonder if I was a bad guy in a previous life (or lives). And no wonder my staff at work seems terrified of me. Okay, terrified is an exaggeration but the meaning is clear.

MY VACATION

*

I took a week off and this is what I did:

I drove out to Las Vegas to see relatives that I owed a way-overdo visit to. While there, my cousin Herb took me on a tour of the Strip. We checked out the new Wynn. Personally I wasn't impressed. I did discover that the Wynn is the only hotel-casino on the Strip that has a golf course. You have to be a hotel guest to play it and it only cost $500 a game. I was glad I never learned how to play.

Had a nice visit with my Uncle Bill and Cousin Scott. That night Herb and I went to see Snakes on a Plane. My review of it will be in my next column on Dred. Don't expect to see it nominated for any Oscars. Might get a couple of Razzies however.

My relatives don't gamble. So I didn't. On my way back home however I stopped at the Prima Donna at Stateline for a couple hours. The blackjack tables were either too crowded or too expensive for me. I played video poker instead. I left with $300 more than I came with. Can't complain about that.

In Victorville, I stopped for lunch at The Original Roadhouse Grill where I used to work. Saw a lot of familiar and friendly faces. Had a ribeye steak dinner. The GM bought the meal for me. $300 and a free steak dinner. No complaints for me.

The rest of the week I visited other friends, attended a screenplay writing class that one of them teaches, spent one day at San Onofre State Beach (went there because I'd never been before), started Lee Child's Jack Reacher thriller Persuader, joined and worked out at LA Fitness, took my mother to her followup doctor's visit, caught up on some yardwork, got a Swedish massage, did a car repair I'd been putting off, and slept late. Also I got an idea for a new Crusader story but haven't started it yet. Okay, I didn't tackle the garage. It was at the top of the list but I couldn't do it. Not too bad for a week off.

I’M CRANKY

(it's my last day of vacation)

I try to read and watch the news as much as I can to keep up on what’s happening. I listen to news radio more often because of the driving I do. But I’m tired of hearing about certain personalities and stories. In fact if I never heard another story about the following personalities I’d be eternally grateful.

Tom Cruise or Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes or TomKat (Cruise has made a couple of pretty good movies. I still remember the debate female friends had whether Cruise or Val Kilmer was cooler in Top Gun. But his movies are getting worse and worse and I really don’t care about his dingbat personal life at all.)

Paris Hilton (I never want to hear anything about this non-celebrity ever again. Why is she famous? Because she’s the heir to a hotel dynasty and barely registers on the IQ scale. My gosh, Playboy even did a spread on a Paris look-a-like. Why?)

Nicole Richie (Friend of Paris and heir to a music dynasty. Big deal.)

Lindsay Lohan (No more ever! I don’t care who she’s feuding with or her bad behavior on a movie set. Don’t clutter my brain with her antics.)

Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt (A few good movies but I don’t care that they’re dating each or cheating on each other or whatever. Go make a decent film.)

Jessica Simpson (Another … okay, I don’t what she is. Whatever she is I don’t care.)

Mel Gibson (Used to make good movies. Maybe he and Cruise should see the same therapist. Or something. But quit telling me about it. And, yes, he said a bunch of racial slurs –he’s a jerk—but, dammit, first and foremost, he was driving drunk. He could have killed people.)

American Idol and Big Brother (Don’t care who got booted. Really don’t care.)

Scientology. (Cult for rich, bubble-not-on-center celebrities created by a cut-rate sci-fi writer. Don’t care. If rich folk want to join, it’s a free country. Just don’t tell me about it.)

Steroids (Really? Some athletes might taking strength-enhancing drugs? Tell me it ain’t so. Yeah, wake up and smell the coffee.)

My tirade is done. The soapbox is free for someone else.

adios, auf wiedersehen, sayonara, and bye-bye, Pluto

*

The ninth planet in the solar system was kicked to the curb by a vote of international astronomers. Little ol' Pluto has been designated a dwarf sphere or something. We now have only eight planets in our solar system. It's kind of like he was sent down to the minors. Okay, quick -- name all eight planets or all seven dwarves ... whichever is easier.

ROUTE 66

*

My district boss asked me to find some photos of Route 66. The boulevard that runs beside our store is part of that famed interstate. Couldn't find much that didn't cost a lot so I took some photos myself. Here's a couple:

STILL LOOKING FOR OLD FRIEND

*

Back in April I wrote about a friend I was trying to locate. Melanie Julsonnet. No luck. Another friend of Mel's, Lisa, found my blog because she is trying to locate her, too. So far, no go. In my internet search, I was able to find out her married name, Canaday, and her middle name, Rae. I think. Anyway, if anyone knows how to locate Melanie Rae Julsonnet Canaday, please let me know. Thanks in advance.

THE GOOD WIFE'S GUIDE

*

A friend sent this article to me. It was "allegedly" an article in Good Housekeeping in 1955. I have my doubts this was real but I've been wrong before.

* Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

*Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

*Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

*During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him.

*Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

*Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

*Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

*Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.

*You have no right to question him.

*A good wife always knows her place.

BIGGEST BOX OFFICE FLOPS

*

I'm surfing the net. Code for I'm wasting time when I should be writing. I found an article about the biggest flops in movies. Below is a list of the top ten. Most you probably won't remember but I hope one of your favorite films isn't on the list. If so, you're in a very small group. They were all major train wrecks for their production companies.

*

1) Town & Country (2001)

2) Stealth (2005)

3) The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)

4) Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)

5) Miami Vice (2006)

6) The 13th Warrior (1999)

7) Cutthroat Island (1995)

8) The Alamo (2004)

9) The Sound of Thunder (2005)

10) Around the World in 80 Days (2004)

*

I've seen three of them. The 13th Warrior, The Alamo, and Cutthroat Island. It isn't something I want to brag about. Then again I'd watch one of those three again before I'd sit through Dead Poets Society, The Blair Witch Project, or The English Patient. Okay, I'd probably not sit through Cutthroat Island again.

ME AND DEADWOOD

*

The other day I'm talking to Annie on the phone from Minnesota. She says she finally realized one of the reasons she really likes Deadwood. I asked her why. I love Annie. She always makes me smile. She said she's going to start calling me "Bad Chris." Below is her answer:

Well ... I don't know what to say. Yes, I do. "You would not want to be staring like that at me."

*

Ian McShane says it better. And scarier.

"Hullo. Just thought I'd stop by and see what you was doin' ... yeah-huh, you're sittin' at the computer again."

RANDOM GENERATOR

*

From my writers' group, I received an email from M.D. Benoit (science fiction author of Meter Made and Metered Space -- Zumaya Publications). M.D. had found a website called Serendipity. (http://nine.frenchboys.net/) Writers should check it out. Go to a catergory in People, Places, Things, Stories, or Travesties. Need a female Japanese name or male French name? Or a type of castle? How about a physical description? This will give you a suggestion (or suggestions). It's fun. {Okay, shhhh ... I won't say a word. If you're stuck this might even get the creative juices flowing. Go ahead. I won't tell.}

IT'S NOT THE KIDS

*

Read on interesting article on MSNBC (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14136994/) about businesses that are considering going no-children-allowed. Yes, there are places that children should not be. Recently, I attended a funeral and during the entire service a toddler was fussing and crying and having a general tantrum. The parent did nothing. Little kids shouldn't be in R-rated movies. A small child can not and will not stay quiet and still for an hour or more at a sit-down restaurant. And it's stupidity to think they will. (Smart parents bring "quiet" toys to entertain the little ones.) Okay, some kids are just flat-out holy terrors but most aren't. When they act inappropriate their parents should deal with this situation. They should be parents. I personally love it when a kid misbehaves at my work and the parent points at me and says, "If you don't behave that manager will get you." I still remember when I was growing up, and my brother or I starting acting up in a public place, my father would say, "Do you want me to take you to the car?" Neither my brother or I had any idea what would happen at the car but we knew we wouldn't like it. Neither of us were ever taken to the car. We straightened up. BTW, my father never spanked my brother or me. His warning was enough.

HIGHEST GROSSING HORROR MOVIES OF THE 2000'S

*

I was curious about which horror movies had earned the most in box-office receipts so far in this decade. A couple are okay films but none will ever be considered classics. It's kinda sad. Anyway, here's the top grossers in horror for this decade:

*

1) The Mummy Returns

2) Jurassic Park III

3) Scary Movie

4) What Lies Beneath

5) The Ring

6) Van Helsing

7) The Grudge

8) Scary Movie 3

*

Oh, well. Y'know gross may be the perfect word here.

SCRIPTAPALOOZA EMAIL B.S.

*

Okay, I'm irritated. I entered a screenplay in the Scriptapalooza 2006 contest. (See Blog below). The other day I start receiving "please remove" emails from people who are on Scriptapalooza's email list. Somehow, some way, the idiots at Scriptapalooza or one of their partners is sending junk email with MY RETURN ADDRESS! I have to contact my server and tell them what's going on. I write Scriptapalooza. Here's their response:

*

This is an email to address the problem of many people getting 10 or so emails from a Sponsor of Scriptapalooza. There was a problem with their server and by accident you got many emails. We apologize for this. We work very closely with many companies in order to give our entrants very good deals on screenwriting products and services. Again we apologize for the frustration that it caused you. Sincerely, Mark Andrushko President scriptapalooza.com

*

Okay, Mark, get this straightened out and do it now. I don't want my email address shut down and I don't want a bunch of pissed-off people emailing me. Got it?

THE DESCENT

More comments to come later but this is one creepy, edge-of-your-seat movie about six female extreme adventurers who go spelunking in a remote section of the Appalachian Mountains. Definitely not for the faint-of-heart. Written and directed by Neil Marshall who was behind Dog Soldiers (2002) which was a little horror film about soldiers battling werewolves in the Scottish Highlands that I thought was totally cool.

CLASS REUNION

What was the event you attended today?

My high school, Santiago High in Garden Grove CA, held a reunion/fundraiser at the campus. Several classes were invited. I saw people who attended during the sixties, seventies (I was a member of the Class of ’73), and eighties.

Have you attended many reunions in the past?

A couple.

Why did you attend this one?

Not sure. I had the time. Thought it would be nice to “catch up” with some old friends. I’ve been thinking about the past a little bit more than usual lately. I have been ever since my friend, Thor Swanson, passed away. He was a member of the Santiago Class of ’73, too.

What was the first thing you noticed?

While I grew up in Garden Grove, I hadn’t been in that area for fifteen-twenty years. When I got off the freeway, I thought the neighborhood was smaller and more congested than I remembered it being. Some familiar landmarks were still there. Bob Mucha’s Chevron was now a Chevron Mini-Mart for example. A couple places were really rundown. Others had been remodeled or rebuilt.

What about the high school?

It was very clean and spruced up. More buildings. When I attended, there was barbed wire running along the top of the chain-link fences. That was gone. Someone else remarked on that, too.

How did it feel being on the old campus?

Weird. Good memories and bad memories surfaced. I don’t understand why the incredibly stupid stunts you pulled flash back first. Not that I did anything too bad. No drugs or fights or anything. But I always felt awkward and out-of-step in high school (especially in social situations where I always picked the wrong thing to say or do) and some of those feelings flooded back. Maybe they never truly go away.

What about your classmates?

Lord, I went to school with a bunch of old people. No, really, I remembered a few immediately and a few remembered me. One woman didn’t know me but remembered my younger brother, Tim. Another woman and I remembered working together at a part-time job but not going to school together. Met a few new people. It was good to see Seth, Bob, Karen, Brenda, Gary, Michelle and others. Found out that I’m not the only one who moved out to the Inland Empire. There were a couple of people that didn’t attend who I wished had. All were very nice.

Will you go to another reunion?

Maybe. We’ll see when it happens.

Why “we’ll see”?

I have to be honest. If my hair doesn’t fall out or turn completely gray and if I don’t put on anymore pounds around the middle, I probably will go. Oh, man, I did go back to high school in mind and body. Are my clothes cool? Will this stuff really cover up my zits? Will there be any cute girls there? If there are, what do I say that won't be dumb or embarrassing ?

HUH????

*

Normally, most kids' movies fly underneath my radar. Okay, I have DVD copies of Bambi and the two Toy Story adventures. Thumper, Woody, and Buzz are cool characters. End of tangent. Back on point. The other day I saw a preview of Barnyard: The Original Party Animals. It took a moment before I realized something was wrong. Two of the male main characters are voiced by Kevin James and Sam Elliott. (James was cool in Hitch and I've always liked Elliott's work.) Their characters are male cows. Once upon a time, male cows used to be called bulls. I guess I missed the PC name change memo. But whether they're called male cows or bulls, they still don't have udders. Check it out. The bulls have udders in this movie.

*

Which means ... think about it, are these characters transgen ... nevermind. Bad thought. Still. The thought is now stuck in my head. The sequel -- Barnyard II: The Crying Game.

*

Need to get out more.

LONG, LONG AGO ... IN A DIFFERENT WORLD

*

Late sixties. I was in junior high. Blistfully unaware of what was happening around the world and around the country. Didn't follow politics. That would change when I entered high school. Suddenly I was very aware and very sure that I knew the answers. But in junior high my major concerns were baseball, acne, and "how to ask a girl to dance when I couldn't dance a step." In my room, I started putting up posters. I remember three clearly. Raquel Welch from One Million Years B.C. Bardot on a motorcycle. There was a third that I was unable to find on Google. It was Peter Fonda as Wyatt in Easy Rider. I couldn't see the movie because it was rated R but Fonda sure looked cool on that Harley. I guess I hoped that some of it would rub off on me. Didn't happen.

COOL MOVIES

*

The heat continues. Across the whole country. Looking for a "cool" movie to watch. My suggestion is Ice Age or John Carpenter's The Thing or Jimmy Stewart in The Far Country. Steve Lee on his blog, Hollywood Lost and Found (http://www.hollywoodlostandfound.net/blog/2006/07/remedy-for-hollywood-heat-wave.html) has several other suggestions. Check it out. And get a scoop of ice cream. Yeah, Rocky Road sounds wonderful.

SPEC SCREENPLAYS

Shouldn't have done this. I'm surfing the web and I find this article on Wikipedia about the highest-paid spec screenplays:

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highest-priced_speculative_screenplays)

Gotta rethink my screenplay strategy.

SCRIPTAPALOZZA 2006

Semifinals

*

Oh, well, it was fun for a couple of days. Chill did not make it into the next round. Still, there's the possibility that an agent, producer, and production company rep could call. Maybe.

SCRIPTAPALOOZA 2006

QUARTERFINALS

The email announcements stated that 3600 screenplays were entered in this year's contest. 336 made the quarterfinalist list. On the list:

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Chill

*

On Monday, they announce the semi-finalists. Pins-and-needles time.

(Can't believe they didn't like Darkfall or Distraction. Okay, I'm being greedy.)

*

Oh. Logline for Chill. It's a hard horror tale that involves the bird flu pandemic:

*

As plague ravages the world,
billionaire Juno Prosper plans a party …
where Death will be the Guest of Honor.

SABRINA'S HOME!

She's moving slowly. In fact she has crashed beside my desk chair. Doesn't appear mad at me but I don't think she enjoyed her adventure. Shhh, don't tell anyone, but I missed the little furball.

*

Tomorrow a new adventure begins. I have to give her liquid medication in a dropper twice a day until it's gone. There's also pain medication if it appears she's hurting. This should be fun.

MY LADY

*

Currently the only lady in my life is a six-year-old, blue-eyed, pure white cat with a deformed tail. Her name is Sabrina. Today, I had to take her to the vet for a deep teeth cleaning. She was showing the beginning signs of Gingivitis. First, I had to make sure she didn't eat anything after 6PM yesterday. Around nine last night, she noticed there was no food in her bowl and she started talking to me. If you have a cat, you know what I mean. She seemed to forget after a while. Today is my day-off from work which is why I scheduled the vet appointment for today. Anyway, I had planned to sleep-in a little. That was the plan. 6AM I wake to Sabrina standing on my chest and her nose almost touching mine. In cat talk, I'm sure she said, "I want my breakfast." I slept for a little while longer then I got up and showered and shaved. Sabrina followed me everywhere.

I think she was irritated with me. I mean, after all, I only have four jobs in her world and none are difficult.

1) Fill food bowl.

2) Fill water bowl.

3) Clean sand box.

4) Scratch neck and occasionally tummy.

How could I forget Number 1? "Dumb human. You were trained better." At 8AM, I slide Sabrina into cat box. Now, she's not disappointed in me. Now, she's mad. I carry her blue box to the car. Now I've really done it. I've forgotten to feed her, I've put her in the box, and I've put her in the car. Sabrina is no longer mad, now she's pissed and telling me at the top of her little lungs. Then we arrive at the vet's. Inside the office, the howling ends and tiny whimpering begins. I feel like the meanest man on the planet. I sign the papers and the assistant takes Sabrina into the back. I supposed to call them at 3PM to see when I can pick her up. I keep repeating the chant, "She's a cat. She's a cat." Doesn't work.

She's my cat and I like her.

I wonder if she going to be talking to me tonight. I wonder if she's going to come anywhere near me.

C'mon, three o'clock. I miss the furball.

PROFIT

Exxon-Mobil reported a second quarter profit of $10.4 billion. It is the second highest profit ever announced by a public company. Exxon-Mobil holds the one number spot for record profits which it announced last year for the third quarter. Don't think anymore needs to be said. Full story: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14056592/

Bewildering Stories and Me

*

My flash story, "Waiting...," is scheduled to appear in the August 28th edition of Bewildering Stories (http://www.bewilderingstories.com/)

SCRIPTAPALOOZA 2006

*

The quarter finalists of the 2006 Scriptapalooza Screenplay Competition will be announced this Friday. Semi-finalists revealed on July 31st. Finalists on August 11th and the Winners on August 15th. We entered three screenplays this year:

*

Chill (horror)

Darkfall (science fiction-horror)

Distraction (suspense thriller)

*

The amounting suspense is almost unbearable. (Well, that might be a slight exaggeration but only slight.) Will any or all of these wonderfully-told genre tales make the cut? Updates will be posted as they come in. Keep fingers crossed.

"This isn't funny, Scotty. Why don't you try beaming the Captain down without his clothes? Oooo ... I found a new species."

"Yes, I used the sun block ... why? Did I miss a spot?"

STAGE 2 ALERT

*

Heat wave continues. A Stage 2 (voluntary reductions of electricity) has been called. A record-breaking consumption of juice today. Yep, it was 121 in Palm Springs yesterday and not much cooler here in Riverside. No break in sight. Global warming ... big exaggeration. Okay, it's never been this hot for this long at this time of the year before. Co-winky-dink. It is. Global warming is a myth that the tree-huggers conjured up. I know. There were WMDs. There is no Global warming. Got it.

HEAT WAVE CONTINUES

*

Another day of triple digits and warnings of rolling blackouts. Add a moderate earthquake and a thunderstorm. I'd say we're just about covering all the bases here. Weather reports are predicting a break about midweek. I say there'll be a break about mid-October.

GREAT MOVIE TAGLINES

To pitch a movie screenplay, you need a solid line or two. If they like that, they’ll listen to more. I collected a few terrific taglines and you’ll find them below. I have no idea whether the writer or the marketing department came up with the lines.

In space … no one can hear you scream.
ALIEN

You don’t assign him to cases. You turn him loose.
DIRTY HARRY

In a galaxy far, far away…
STAR WARS

The show has been cancelled...but the adventure is just beginning.
GALAXY QUEST

This time it’s war.
ALIENS

They're young...they're in love...and they kill people.
BONNIE & CLYDE

See it before you go swimming.
JAWS

Be afraid. Be very afraid.
THE FLY

For Three Men The Civil War Wasn't Hell. It Was Practice!
THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY

He loved the American Dream. With a Vengeance.
SCARFACE

Man is the warmest place to hide.
THE THING

If this movie doesn't make your skin crawl... It's On Too Tight!
BLACK CHRISTMAS

HOW TO BUILD A WRITING CAREER: THE BASICS

*

Jason Sizemore (editor and publisher of Apex Science Fiction & Horror Digest) has a terrific entry on his blog A Writer's Vanity (http://blog.apexdigest.com/).

*

It is advice from s/f writer Jennifer Pelland on building a writing career. Good stuff . Check it out. Oh, yeah, here is Ms. Pelland's blog: http://jenwrites.livejournal.com/

THE WORST NOVEL OPENING LINE CONTEST

Every year San Jose State University holds its Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also called "It was a dark and stormy night" contest) for the worst opening line for a novel. This year's winner was penned by Jim Guigli from Carmichael CA. It reads:

*

Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.

*

If you'd like to see some of the other entries go to: http://www.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2006.htm

IN A TIME LONG, LONG AGO...

I’m in the garage the other day. Moving some box boxes. I opened one. Inside are paperback books and a couple decades worth of dust and dead bugs. Oh, yeah, testosterone is seeping out of the box, too.

I was a good kid. A-B student in school, usually A. Received Good Student of the Month awards. Played baseball and traded baseball cards. (Still have some including a Nolan Ryan rookie card). Wrote for the school paper. My folks were proud of me. Except when I tortured my little brother but that’s what big brothers are supposed to do. It’s in the Big Brother rulebook.

Anyway, I also read constantly. I devoured books like candy. Our family was comfortable but money wasn’t plentiful. I picked up most of my reading material at garage sales, flea markets, and swap meets spending a dime or a quarter on each book. I wish I could say that I read classics like Huckleberry Finn and Moby Dick and Treasure Island. I didn’t. And in this box in the garage was the proof.

The quiet student, the good son read Donald Hamilton’s Matt Helm series, John D. MacDonald’s Travis McGee tales, Mickey Spillane’s Mike Hammer stories, and Ross Macdonald’s Lew Archer adventures. I read novels by Richard Stark (a Donald Westlake pseudonym), Harold Robbins, Ed McBain, Robert Parker, Ross Thomas, Carter Brown, and Elmore Leonard. (I still read Leonard. In fact I have eight hardback copies of his novels in my library. I’ll have to look and see if any are First Editions.)

Most of these books have long faded from my memory. For the life of I can’t remember anything about Carter Brown’s novels. When I “googled” his name, I saw that he’d written a couple hundred books turning out about eight-to-ten a year. His books were all just over a hundred pages each. Fast reads but unmemorable. My guess is I bought them for their lurid, sexy covers. Hey, I was a kid. I remember Ed McBain’s books were about the cops in the 86th Precinct but beyond that they’re in the gone file. So are Richard Stark’s stories about career criminal Parker. I remember that Harold Robbins’ The Carpetbaggers was the “first” book I ever read that had sex scenes. But not much else. Spillane’s novels were page-turners but his politics would make today’s hardcore conservative-types blush and stammer. (And rightly so.) It would be interesting to read Robert Parker’s novels in order and see how Spenser and his buddy, Hawk, have changed over the years.

On the other hand, I may pull out a couple books by Hamilton and John D and reread them. I recall Matt Helm and Travis McGee being cool and written in a solid lean styles. Plus Helm and McGee were “manly men”. That’s not PC today but …

From Hamilton’s The Terminators (1975):
"You've got to shoot the thing to accomplish anything significant," I said. "Just waving it around chanting ancient incantations like ‘Put your hands up,' or ‘Drop that gun,' or ‘Don't come any closer or I'll pull the trigger,' won't buy you a thing. Yank it out and fire it or leave it alone. And if you shoot it, do a good job. Use both hands like I showed you, hold steady, keep firing, and really perforate that target. Never mind the Cossacks attacking from the left flank and the Apaches galloping in from the right, whooping and hollering. Get that guy in front of you and get him good. You'll be surprised how discouraging one thoroughly dead gent can be to a lot of people."

Submission News

*

Three stories came back. A 20-day rejection from Flash Me and a 3-day no-thank-you from Apex Science Fiction & Horror Digest.

*

A 1-day acceptance from Bewildering Stories (http://www.bewilderingstories.com/) for a 500-word flash tale called "Waiting..." Should appear in August. It is my 84th acceptance. :)

OPENING LINES

The first sentence of a novel and, especially, a short story is very important. Readers and editors may give a novel a few pages before deciding if they will continue onward with the book but a short story will probably get a paragraph or two. So the first sentence is the tale’s opening bid. I decided to look at first sentences from some of my published works to see what they told me. If anything.

“Follow me, sir. I’ll show you the way.”
--Rebel Nation (novel)

“Pay me.”
--The Inheritance (novel)

The spaceship sailed, corkscrewing, from the wormhole.
--To the Mountain of the Beast (novella)

“He’s coming, Crusader,” Fabiyan said.
--The Beast of Lyoness (short story)

Dave Barboza did his best to appear relaxed and confident.
--Human Resources (short story)

A half-day’s ride from the city of Daarmoor, as we traveled east along the old spice merchant trail, Kree and I first smelled the stench of the funeral pyres on the wind.
--In the Garden on the Far Shore of the Styx (short story)

As the first rays of sun pierced through the dark clouds like broken twisted fingers, the corporate helicopter skimmed along the Yucatan coastline nearing the construction camp.
--Costa de Mala Muetre (short story)

“Forget everything they told you at orientation,” Zane said, stopping beside the ivy-cloaked gate.
--Blood Alley (short story)

I have met Melinda.
--Melinda (short story)

I was already awake when Hondo tapped my cheek with her monkey fingers.
--Blood Hunt (short story)

As I spurred the Appaloosa along the valley trail, its hooves raised a gray-black specter of ash into the chilled air with each step.
--Sanctuary Defiled at Ananyas (short story)

My mother and stepfather passed away sometime Wednesday.
--Final Soulcatchers (short story)

The smell of blood tinged the cold night air.
--The Hunters (short story)


What did I learn here? A couple of the lines aren’t too bad, a couple could’ve been better and the others really don’t tell you much about the story. The intention of all were to get the reader (and/or editor) to read to next sentence. Did I succeed in that goal? I guess. All were published. Hmmm…
{Side note to self – do not use the image of sunlight as broken fingers again. You’ve used that in more than one story. End of side note to self.}

Happy Independence Day

Billy Wilder's Top Ten Tips to Good Screenwriting

As told to Cameron Crowe:

1. The audience is fickle.
2. Grab 'em by the throat and never let 'em go.
3. Develop a clean line of action for your leading character.
4. Know where you’re going.
5. The more subtle and elegant you are in hiding your plot points, the better you are as a writer.
6. If you have a problem with the third act, the real problem is in the first act.
7. A tip from Lubitsch: Let the audience add up two plus two. They'll love you forever.
8. In doing voice-overs, be careful not to describe what the audience already sees. Add to what they’re seeing.
9. The event that occurs at the second act curtain triggers the end of the movie.
10. The third act must build, build, build in tempo and action until the last event, and then -- that's it. Don’t hang around.

A Fireman's Prayer

When I am called to duty, God,
Whenever flames may rage;
Give me strength to save some life,
Whatever be its age.

Help me embrace a little child
Before it is too late
Or save an older person
From the horror of that fate.

Enable me to be alert
And hear the weakest shout,
And quickly and efficiently
To put the fire out.

I want to fill my calling
And to give the best in me
To guard my every neighbor
And protect his property.

And if, according to my fate,
I am to lose my life,
Please bless with your protecting
My children and my wife.

- Author Unknown

Philosophical Moment

(I've been reflecting this week)

How would you live your life if the entire world were watching all the time?

Would it be the same way if no one was watching?

(I hope and pray I am.)

THOR SWANSON

Swanson, Thor, died Sat, June 24 in his Laguna Niguel home at the age of 51. He was a 27-year Veteran of the Orange County Fire Authority, for many years as a Paramedic Captain at station 29 in Dana Point. Swanson's career had brushes with fame including having his image appear on newspapers as far away as Nairobi, Kenya when an AP photographer shot him surveying a massive fire covering many blocks of Anaheim; being featured in an episode of William Shatner's "Rescue 911" after his crew's successful efforts at saving a pilot after a crash at an El Toro air show, and a range of media coverage when he took part in delivering a baby in a Dana Point motel. But it was thousands of private moments and a lifelong commitment to training and helping others that added up to a career honored by record-sized gatherings of firefighters when he retired last year after his cancer made continuing with the work he loved impossible. His help for others wasn't confined to his professional duties. For 32 years he volunteered for Garden Grove's children's summer camp. He did everything from maintenance and planning to dispensing medications to wearing odd costumes and singing funny songs around the campfire. He grew up in and loved Garden Grove and started working with the camp when he worked for the parks department there. He is survived by his beloved wife of 21 years, Sandi Swanson; stepson and daughter-in-law, Scott and Nicole Powley, of Laguna Niguel, CA; sister, Laif Swanson, her children Anna and David; loving mother, Deedie, all of Pasadena, CA; beloved brother, Gunnar, of Greenville, NC. A Funeral Service to be held on Fri, June 30th ~ 11 AM at South Shores Church in Dana Point, CA with departmental honors. In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations may be made to the Y.M.C.A. of Orange County – Thor Swanson Memorial Camp Fund, 13821 Newport Avenue Suite 200, Tustin CA 92780 O'Connor Laguna Hills Mortuary Directors (949) 581-4300 www.oconnormortuary.com

from the Orange County Register

THOR SWANSON

1955 - 2006

Rest in Peace, my friend

HOT

Okay, I don't live in Monument Valley. I'm in Southern California. But every once in a while, Mother Nature decides to remind everyone in my area that we live in the desert. We hit the century mark today and it's supposed to be that hot all weekend if not hotter.

*

Don't have a pool. Guess I'm gonna have to run through the sprinklers like I did when I was a kid. I want to personally thank the person who invented A/C.

Okay, I'm an Addict!!!

Until yesterday, I didn't know. Early Wednesday morning, "someone" was laying underground cable and "cut" the telephone land line to my house. Well, not just to my house but to the entire neighborhood. No phone. I had my cell and I called the phone company. I set up an appointment just in case there was a problem with my lines. The first open spot they had was on Friday. Okay, I took it. Nothing else to do.

*

Shortly, thereafter it began. One trip then another and another to the computer to go on-line. But I couldn't. No phone -- no web. Ahhh! I keep telling myself that they'd fix it soon. They would. I had to check my e-mail. I had check the daily updates on Speculations and Fangoria or IMDb and SFReader and ink blog and Apex and ... and ... and ...

*

I needed my web fix. I needed it. I felt totally cut off from the world. What was I going to do? WatwasIgonnado?

*

I did some household chores that I'd been putting off. Had lunch with friends. Read a book that you hold in your hands. Called two other friends and caught up on the doings in their lives. Did quite a bit actually.

*

I don't need the computer and the web to survive. I don't. Honest.

*

Thank goodness the phone's working again.

BLOG FOR WRITERS AND OTHERS BY A WRITER

This blog http://kenlevine.blogspot.com/ was started last November but I just discovered it. Definitely worth checking out. Ken Levine has been a TV writer for 30 years and has written for shows like M*A*S*H, CHEERS, FRASIER, THE SIMPSONS, WINGS, EVERYONE LOVES RAYMOND, BECKER and DHARMA & GREG.

His current posting is about a favorite episode of his from M*A*S*H.

REBEL NATION

REVIEW

Lynn O'Connell has reviewed my alternate-history thriller at Reader Views. Check it out at: http://www.readerviews.com/ReviewStiresRebelNationReview.html As for me, I'm nearly speechless so I'll just say "Thank you, Ms. O'Connell."

{big grin}

PS -- On the Amazon site, my book has five stars by the three reviews (now including this new one). Too cool.

{really big grin}

DUTCH FANTASY

While I haven't seen a copy yet, it appears that the Netherlands anthology, Pure Fantasy, containing my short story, "Blood Alley," has been released. http://www.purefantasy.nl/Bundel/index.htm

This is cool. My stories have now been translated into Greek (twice), Spanish, and now Dutch. I've also sold stories (no publication dates yet) to magazines in Belguim, France, Finland, and one more in Greece. Totally ... uh, I think I said that already.

NEW REVIEW

A new review by Ellen Hogan of my horror novel, The Inheritance, has been posted at Reader Views. Check it out: http://www.readerviews.com/ReviewStiresTheInheritance.html (Then please order a copy. It'll make me happy.) :)

TOM HANKS

One of my favorite current actors is Tom Hanks. I enjoy his work. Below are my top five:

Apollo 13 ("Houston, we have a problem.")

The Green Mile

A League of Their Own ("There's no crying in baseball.")

Saving Private Ryan

You've Got Mail

(Had problems with picking just five -- I left off Toy Story 1 and 2, The Terminal, Cast Away, Big, Splash, Forrest Gump, Sleepless in Seattle, and (secret fav) Turner & Hooch. Mr. Hanks is having a good career.)

REBEL WORDS WORTH READING

(selected passages)

Governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed ... whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government ... when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security ...

(I have to stop watching the news. I get so irritated.)

JIMMY STEWART

Some actors are just plain cool. Mr. Stewart is one of my favorites. I just like him. Top five films ... hmmm... tough decision. In no particular order:

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

Rear Window

It's a Wonderful Life

The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance

The Far Country

SOMETIMES YOU JUST SHAKE YOUR HEAD...

Monday night a friend (male -- this will be important later) was asked by a young girl where he rooms if she could practice her make-up skills on him. Being easy-going and figuring no one would ever know, he said okay. What both failed to note was the eye-liner was the type that takes a few days to wear off.

Cut to Tuesday. Friend goes to work. He is a full-time university student and works part-time in the kitchen at a major restaurant chain to help supplement his studies (you know, to buy extra stuff like food and gas).

Friend bakes bread for the day. He has to date it. Since it's June 6th, he draws a little pentagram, a smiley face and 6-6-6. He thinks it's funny.

He suspended from his job for 1) creating a hostile work environment and 2) for promoting devil worship because (get this) they can still see the satanic make-up he's wearing.

Sometimes ... well, just reread the title.

From Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid (1969)

Directed by George Roy Hill. Starring Paul Newman, Robert Redford, and Katherine Ross.

Outlaws Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, hiding out in Bolivia, have taken their first "honest" jobs as payroll guards for mine manager Percy Garris (Strother Martin). On their first day, riding to the bank, they look for bandit ambush spots.

Butch: I think they're in the trees up ahead.

Sundance: In the bushes on the left.

Butch: I'm telling you they're in the trees up ahead.

Sundance: You take the trees, I'll take the bushes.

Percy Garris: Will you two beginners cut it out.

Butch: Well, we're just trying to spot an ambush, Mr. Garris.

Percy Garris: Morons. I've got morons on my team. Nobody is going to rob us going down the mountain. We have got no money going down the mountain. When we have got the money, on the way back, then you can sweat.

ANTHOLOGIES

Recently my short story "And Much of Madness" was accepted by Maniac Press for their new anthology "Haunted Hellhouses of Terror." Very cool.

Below are the covers of the other anthologies I have been lucky enough to be part of:

Clash of Steel -- Book Three: Demons (my story - The Beast of Lyoness)

The 2nd Coming: The Best of Pirate Writings Vol. 2 (In the Garden on the Far Shore of the Styx)

Darkness Rising 7 (Costa de Mala Muerte)

Monster's Ink (Blood Alley)

Tales from the Asylum: Year Two (non-fiction: Top Ten Movies in Outer Space)

Hauntings (Melinda -- no cover)

From "My Darling Clementine" (1946)

Directed by John Ford. Starring Henry Fonda, Victor Mature, and Linda Darnell.

Wyatt Earp (Fonda): "Mac, you ever been in love?"

Mac: "No, I've been a bartender all me life."