JUNK MAIL

I just finished up some long days at work. I’ve been checking my in-box quickly as of late. Checking to see if loved ones and friends had sent something to me and looking for responses to submissions and queries I’d emailed to editors and writers. Looking for the good stuff.

Normally I delete the junk mail file without even looking. I hadn’t deleted any in a couple of days and was amazed at the amount that had accumulated. After a quick division in my head, I figure that I’m receiving at least one junk mailer per hour. That’s a lot of people and/or companies sending me stuff. I’ve never bought a single item from an email advertisement that I can recall. Okay, small clarification here. I do look at advertisements that writers send out (usually in their newsletters but sometimes not) and the latest sale at Discount DVD but these aren’t in my junk file. I don’t mind these and I usually know they’re coming.

But who are all these other folks and what are they selling? I got curious so today I looked. Second clarification. I didn’t open any of them. I looked at who sent it and at the subject line. Here’s what I found:

Four companies wanted to consolidate my debts, one wanted to refinance my loans, and four more wanted to offer me loans even if I had Bad Credit. Thanks for thinking of me but I’m doing okay. Didn’t guys who loaned money to people with bad credit used to be called loan sharks? Just wondering.

Toyota wanted to offer me parts and service with special benefits. That’s cool … except I don’t own a Toyota.

Seven emails were for health and medical benefits. One came four times with the same subject line: “You’ll have them soon.” Maybe I should’ve opened one of those. Because I know, as soon as my head hits the pillow tonight, my brain will start asking, ‘What will you have soon?’ Were they talking about the bird flu pandemic, the black plague or toe jam? I’m in for another restless night. I know it.

Hydroderm wants me to have smoother, softer skin. Why am I always the last to know? I swear I didn’t realize I had a smooth, soft skin issue.

Then eDiets sent me two emails. One to tell me about the Cheater’s Diet and the other offering Butt Exercises. First, there is only one diet that really works. Consume less food and exercise more. Second, I know I’m a little heavier than I should be but highlighting my butt as a major problem is downright mean. Hey, my feelings are hurt.

A bunch of places are having merchandise sales. Thanks for letting me know you have a lotta stuff left over from Christmas that didn’t sell but I’m still broke from buying stuff at Christmas that you managed to sell. To me. Even if I wasn’t, why would I want a Rolex replica? I am wondering why Target, eBay, and Limited Too want me to know they’re having sales on women’s attire? Okay, there was that one time when the little one was spending the night at a friend’s and we were in a playful mood and she asked and I obliged … never mind, I’m going off on a tangent here.

Someone named Mary wants to give me a “Free Ring Tone.” I must’ve got the deluxe model cell phone. Ring tones were included. Jessica needs to know if I “wanna do it.” Do what? A Greek person named viagsecreterectus emailed me but I have no idea what they wanted because the subject line was blank. Sherry sent two invites but didn’t say what for. Don’t know anyone named Sherry. Must’ve had the wrong address. I was also invited to an Adult Webcam Party. Darn, I’d already made plans for that night. Wish you’d contacted me sooner. Maybe next time. Adult Fun wanted me to know they had “wowsers.” I’ll take odds that they don’t.

The last one was the most troubling and anxiety inducing. From: Your-f*ck-buddy. Subject: I need it now. Of course, you do. Losing a vowel in your name has to be devastating. Oh, my gosh, if my name read Chr*st*ph*r I’d need it now, too. Wish I could help. I don’t even know a good vowel hunter. Try the Yellow Pages. Good luck on your hunt.

There were others but that’s enough. Tonight will already be a long tossing-and-turning one as I ponder my butt, softer skin, having them soon, and vowels suddenly falling off my name. From now on, it’s straight to the delete button on junk mail. I think it’s safer. And remember: Don't try this at home. I am a professional stunt junker.

NEW SCIFI HORROR AND THRILLER SCREENPLAYS

Maybe it’s a weird way to collaborate but it seems to work. My buddy and I are working on two new screenplays. One’s scifi horror and the other is a thriller. We spitball several ideas until one seems to gel more than the others. Then one does the writing while the other reads the pages as they’re produced and makes edits and suggestions and rewrites scenes that could be fine-tuned. Sometimes we disagree; sometimes it all comes together. But, and this is the major thing, it works for us.

Currently my buddy is working on a scifi horror idea we tossed around. He’s written a good opening and created a solid main character.

I’m fumbling as I usually do, through the opening of a thriller idea we spit-balled. I’ve got twenty-plus pages done. Reached an up-the-stakes moment that I think works. We’ll see. I write short stories and novels. My buddy keeps reminding me that screenplays are for a visual medium. My characters tend to talk too much. Especially in the first draft. I’m trying to get them right and when they talk I get to know them better. I know we’ll end up cutting half to three-quarters of the dialogue because it’s unnecessary but I need it in the first draft to find their center.

I do a lot of research when I work whether it’s a short story, novel, or screenplay. I love Goggle and Dogpile. Type in something and here comes a bunch of sites dealing with that topic. Today I was working on a small moment when Hannah, the main character, has the villain’s cell phone. There are no numbers in the cell’s address list but three numbers are on the call list. She dials them. With the first two she hears an automated voice say that the number is no longer in service. The third is a suspense hook. What I came up with is serviceable but I hope my buddy or I can come up with a better one. Maybe not. But as I was rereading this scene, I wondered if I’d done all I could with it. Was there something that might twist it a little more. Minor moment in the first twenty pages. Really isn’t that important. But I keep playing it over and over in my mind. Then. Light bulb. Off I go to Google. Will this be a highlight in the story arc? No. But it added the right element for me. My buddy may like it, not notice, or hate it. It may end up being cut out of the final draft. Don’t know. What did I do? Hannah calls the first number and gets the “no longer in service” recording. She dials the second and gets a “no longer in service” recording but it is in German. Thanks to a site I found with Google I got the line translated. I think it’s cool. At least I do today. Tomorrow? Who knows?

More research. I’ll look over some Elmore Leonard novels I own and, probably, glance through William Goldman’s Marathon Man. It’s one of my favorite novels. “Is it safe?”

I also watch some movie thrillers. We are writing a screenplay after all. I just saw Red Eye the other day. A little over-the-top at the end but a decent nail-biter. I liked it. From my DVD library, I’ll look at Breakdown, Cellular, In the Line of Fire, Absolute Power and, of course, Hitchcock’s North by Northwest. I also picked up three new DVDs to add to my collection. All thrillers and I can’t believe I hadn’t bought them before today – Hitchcock’s Rear Window, Chinatown, and 3 Days of the Condor.

Okay, back to writing. The villain’s chasing Hannah and he’s pissed. What does he do? What does she do? Something unique. Avoid clichés. Avoid ripping off scenes I’ve loved in other movies. Ripping off is the word wrong. Homage is the right word.

Uh-huh.

BITS & PIECES

John Enright did the artwork above. It is called Enigma. I really like his work. One day I hope that the Powers-That-Be hire him to do the cover art for one of my novels. (I can dream, can’t I?) More of John’s incredible paintings and drawings can be seen at: http://www.hammondgallery.co.uk/artist.php3?aid=215&offset=0&sort=

FROM RUSSIA, WITH SCAM SPAM

Some new bad guys have adopted the infamous Nigerian email scam. A Russian billionaire is in jail. His "wife," "secretary," and "prison bunkmate" discovered “your” email address in his business directory. Can you help? She/she/who knows has access to the billionaire’s money but need your bank account number to email the money out of the country before corrupt officials steal it all. Do people really fall for this crap? I guess so or they still wouldn’t be running the con.

MSNBC News has an article about this at:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10860267/

THE HOT KID

I have been reading Elmore Leonard’s novels for years. For writers studying his dialogue alone should be a requirement. I have seven of his novels in hard cover including Get Shorty, Killshot, and Freaky Deaky. I just picked up a First Edition copy of The Hot Kid. It’s about a cool US Marshal facing Depression Era gangsters. I intended to just read the first chapter and ended up reading a hundred pages. Should finish it in the next day or so. Good stuff, Maynard.

Tangent: A Favorite Genre Moment. In Elmore Leonard’s Hombre, outlaws have a group of stagecoach passengers trapped in a mining shack atop a steep hill. The bad guys want the gold the passengers have. The outlaw leader, Grimes (Richard Boone), walks half way up the hill to give the passengers an ultimatum. This is what they’re going to do or they’re all going to die. You’ve seen this kind of scene a thousand times.

But then the kicker comes. John Russell (Paul Newman) looks at Grimes and says:

“Hey. I got a question. How are you planning to get back down that hill?”

Classic moment. Love it.

DESK STUFF

My desk has a high cubby-holed back to it. Stuff is lined across the top shelf. This is what I have. From left to right: copies of my novels Rebel Nation and The Inheritance and the anthologies I’ve been a part of ; a Mayan face mask that I got when Annie and I were on our honeymoon in Playa del Carmen; a glass paperweight with a picture of my father and me (I had to have been about one); a can of Story House’s Earthy Beans Coffee with my tale "Seeds of Evil" on the back, a full-size replica of the Maltese Falcon statuette that my late Aunt Lou and my cousin Scott gave me; a small Egyptian Cat figurine from the British Museum that my nephew Brian got for me; two God of Money tikis from Hawaii; a dwarf souvenir mug from Disneyland (yes, the dwarf is Grumpy – who else would I have); a key chain from Hong Kong also from Brian, my Dream Realm Award for The Inheritance; and a porcelain old-time desk ornament. Don’t know why I shared that but I did.

BLOODY SAM

Splurged this week and bought the Sam Peckinpah’s The Legendary Western Collection. I’ve been up to my butt in trail dust and blood all weekend. There’re four movies in this boxed set.

The Wild Bunch is a deservedly classic. One of my favorites. William Holden, Ernest Borgnine, Robert Ryan, Warren Oates, Ben Johnson and an unrecognizable Edmund O’Brien give pitch-perfect performances in the tale of outlaws on their final raid. Strother Martin and L.Q. Jones are incredible as two members of the railroad posse.

Ride the High Country is a mostly forgotten gem. A final film for Randolph Scott and Joel McCrea before Hollywood retirement. A simple tale of two former lawmen transporting gold from a high country mining camp to the bank. It is cool. Warren Oates, L.Q. Jones, John Anderson, John Chandler, and James Drury are the redneck, peckerwood Southern trash Hammond brothers. “All I want is to enter my house justified,” says Steve Judd (McCrea). Yeah, we all would like that.

The Ballad of Cable Hogue. Not great, not terrible. Jason Robards plays the title character who discovers a waterhole in the desert and becomes rich. Has it’s moments. Okay, Stella Stevens looks great in the buff. I said it, now leave me alone.

Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid. This should’ve been much better. Had all the elements and almost every western character actor alive in 1973 must be in bit parts in this film. Some good gunfights and James Coburn does well as Garrett but Kris Kristofferson looks too old to be the Kid (among other problems) and who-in-the-hell thought Bob Dylan could play a western adventurer. If you remember the Guns ‘n’ Roses song, “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door,” this movie features the original version of the song. By Dylan. Who never could sing.

Buy The Wild Bunch and Ride the High Country. Rent Cable Hogue. Catch PG&BtK on TV some night when nothing else but Law and Order reruns are on. Okay watch the featured L&O episode for the tenth time instead.

That’s it for now. In the words of Pike Bishop (William Holden) in The Wild Bunch:

“Let’s go.”

RESPONSES TO MY QUERIES

First, my novella, Starbeast, finally has a new title. It will be called To the Mountain of the Beast.

Now to the other matter. I sent out 16 email requests to editors and writers to read my novella and give quotes or blurbs that could be used for the cover and/or promotional materials. If they liked it, of course.

As of this evening, I have received 13 responses. Not too shabby.

My friends Wendy, Raymond, and Mark—all writers, and all teachers now that I think of it—said yes. Thank you, folks, I really appreciate it.

Six other editors and writers said yes, too. Cool. Thank you very much.

Three writers passed. Two stated they were too busy. The other, well, he passed let us say. He was very polite and cordial in his letter. Wished me good luck. Enough said.

One came back as undeliverable. I don’t know whether his email address changed or AOL just doesn’t like stuff sent from MSN. I’ve had several emails bounce back from friends that have AOL accounts so I don’t know.

The last three have not yet responded. We’ll see if anything happens with them.

I’m very fortunate. I do appreciate the time all these individuals are taking to help a struggling writer. If I wore a hat, I’d tip it to you all.

I’ll report any further developments if they occur.

(About the picture up top, that’s me sailing toward the hurricane. I mean, what if these nice people read my novella and hate it. Okay, now I’m being insecure. Yeah. Okay. I’m a writer and my imagination spins scenarios whether I want it to or not. I’m done now. For the moment.)

Queries to Editors & Other Authors for Cover Blurb

Received an email from Armand Rosamilia at Carnifex Press, which is going to publish my novella, Starbeast. (Gotta find a new title.)

He asked for an author’s bio, a Word attachment of the novella, a cover blurb suggestion, a dedication and/or acknowledgments and, the big one, “could I collect some blurbs from editors and writers I know for the jacket and/or promotion?”.

Okay. I hate doing my bio but I got that done. Didn’t turn out too dreadful or pompous. Did another run through on the novella. Pretty clean manuscript. My Spellcheck hates the slang I use however. Wrote then rewrote then rewrote again a blurb regarding the plot of the novel. I hate this even more than doing my bio. It’s turned out okay. Serviceable is a good word for it. Dedication done. This one will be dedicated to Mom. He also wanted a photo. Forgot to send that. The only one I have on my computer is about five years old. Haven’t changed much except my hair’s shorter … and grayer … a few more wrinkles. Stop. Don’t go off on that tangent.

Then.

Ask editors and authors I know to read my novella and send a blurb. Well, what if they don’t like it? Never mind that. Who could I send this request to? I know three writers personally – authors Wendy Hornsby and Raymond Obstfeld and screenwriter Mark Sevi. They’ll get emails.

I’ve corresponded with Greg Gifune, author of Drago Descending and Night Work. I’ve known him since he was the editor/publisher of the now-defunct magazines The Edge: Tales of Suspense and Burning Sky: Adventures in Science Fiction Terror. Good guy. I’ll try him.

Simon Wood, author of Accidents Waiting to Happen, and I have passed a few emails and I receive his newsletter. I’ll try him.

I’ve had a good relationship with editors (and writers themselves) Dan Blackston, SFReader and Pitch Black Books; Dave Felts, SFReader; Howard Jones, Flashing Swords; and Jason Sizemore, Apex Science Fiction and Horror Digest. I’ll ask them, too.

Okay. That pretty much uses up my personal database. But wait. I have had some minor correspondence, and I mean minor, with some other writers. Should I try them? A couple have been on the best-seller lists and a couple others are award winners. What the hey. What’s the worse that could happen? They probably won’t respond or won’t have time for a small press novella. But some might—a really big word might—say yes. Don’t know if you don’t try. So off email requests go to Douglas Clegg, Jeffrey Deaver, Geoffrey Landis, Brad Meltzer, Scott Nicholson, Allen Steele, and Stuart Woods.

I’ll let you happen what happens. I’m curious myself.

(Oh, the picture up top. I feel like the guy on the surfboard. All I'm looking for is a cool ride but underneath is ... and something could happen but might not ... now I'm rambling. Bye for now.)

LIGHTNING STRIKES AGAIN

My novella, Starbeast, has been accepted by Armand Rosamilia at Carnifex Press. I am thrilled.

A novella, by the way, is either a really long short story or a very short novel.

Starbeast (a title that will be changed before publication) is a tale that combines my two favorite genres -- science-fiction horror and the western. Alien meets Lonesome Dove. An alien spacecraft crash lands in the high country of Wyoming in 1895. The only survivors of the crash are the pilot's predator pets. The beasts establish their hunting ground and, when they start devouring cattle from the local ranch, a group of cowhands with an old Army scout go after the creatures. This story was really fun to write and I truly enjoyed being in the company of the story's characters -- Hugh Preston, Laci McCulloh, Reno Gallen, Willard Eberhart, Henry Pratt, and others.

I hope that when it's published readers will enjoy it too.

As a kid, I dreamed of being a writer when I grew up. And I am. Lightning has struck again to prove it.

The Submission Pile
(This nonfiction article originally appeared on SFReader in December 2003. Some of the print zines and web zines have gone out of business since then. Some of the editors quoted are no longer at the publication. For example SciFi.com no longer accepts fiction but I thought some of the material was still relevant so I've reprinted it here. It was my first nonfiction sale. Enjoy.)

The prose and dialogue have been polished. So have the characterizations and setting. Grammar and spelling have been triple—no, quadruple—checked. The opening is a grabber and the ending is inevitable but not in the least bit predictable.

Yes. Story is done.

Now select the appropriate ‘zine. Reread their guidelines. Then print a fresh, crisp copy of the story. Write a dazzling but humble cover letter. Attach Self-Addressed-Stamped Envelope. Slide into 9” by 12” brown envelope and head to the post office.

Or.

Attach RTF file or WORD doc or HTML text to dazzling but humble e-mail cover letter (or embed in the body of the letter if the ‘zine has had virus problems) and click SEND button.

Story is now winging its way by snail mail or the Internet highway to a ‘zine office where an editor will cheer its arrival and accept it within hours. Later it will be reprinted as the lead in Datlow’s Year’s Best in Fantasy and Horror. It will win the Asimov, Edgar, and Pulitzer. Cameron and Drew will duke it out to play the female protagonist and Kurt is the only one who can play the loner hero properly. And … wait a sec—

An editor will cheer its arrival?

How many submissions arrived at the ‘zine office this month? Ten? Twenty? A thousand?

Quick, where’s my old, beat-up copy of the Novel & Short Story Writer’s Market? Let’s see. Seventeen receives 200 submissions each month and Tattoo Review gets twenty. Woman’s World Magazine receives a staggering 2500 romance and mystery submissions every month and all are under 1500 words. Okay, that’s nice to know but those aren’t my markets. I write horror, fantasy, science fiction, hard-boiled thrillers and an occasional mainstream piece. Why aren’t those submission rates listed?

To the computer then and on to Ralan’s (Ralan.com, for those who don’t know, is Ralan Conley’s incredible speculative fiction market web-site). No submission data is listed there either. But there is the next-best thing – email addresses. I’ll ask the editors themselves.

And I did.

“A few hundred per month,” answered Ellen Datlow, fiction editor at SciFi.com.

Brett Alexander Savory, editor-in-chief, of The Chiaroscuro wrote, “We receive about 100 fiction submissions per month at ChiZine. However since we raised our rates from three cents to five cents per word (USD) on September 1st, we’ve received about 60 submissions in the first four days. So only time will tell how much the pay increase will up our submissions log.”

“It’s hard to say. We’re not keeping a log of every submission, so I can only guestimate,” responded Lou Anders, senior editor of Argosy. “I would guess around 400 a month at present … we could easily hit the 1000 to 2000 mark once our first issue is out and people see it.”

Eric M. Heideman, editor-in-chief of Tales of the Unanticipated wrote, “We’re only open for submissions for a month once a year. During that month we get 200 – 250 submissions.”

“Currently in the database are 2265 entries for submissions … the 2265 perhaps reflects a year,” said Carina Gonzalez, assistant editor of Realms of Fantasy. “Obviously some months are more than others. People write more in the winter when they can’t go out. And whenever a big genre movie comes out, they get inspired and there’s a new wave. But it’s about 200 submissions a month. Twenty or so is comprised mostly of artwork, letters to the editor, requests for guidelines, article submissions, incorrectly submitted material etc.”

Christopher Rowe, fiction editor of Say… stated, “I don’t actually keep track. Any number I gave you would be purely a guess, and even then, our publishing history and model don’t match up with a quantitative analysis very well. We’ve only been accepting unsolicited submissions for about a year and a half, we have reading periods, and the number has steadily increased with each (open) month.”

“We opened our doors to submissions January '03,” replied Shar O’Brien, editor-in-chief of NFG, “and we're topping the 4,000 mark to date {September 2003}.”

Elizabeth Bear, managing editor of Abyss & Apex, responded, “It varies pretty heavily, actually. I would say we receive about 150 submissions a month--on an average, a little more than three a day. Which means about 300 per issue (we publish bimonthly). So odds of acceptance on any given story are around one percent.”

Planet Relish’s editor-in-chief, Mark Rapacioli, wrote, “Planet Relish is a strange case, as our hiatus during 2002 has brought the number submissions down substantially. In 2001, right before the hiatus, we were receiving about 200 submissions per month. Right now, nine months into our glorious comeback, we are at around 50 submissions per month. As we do more promotion (such as the recent reading session at TorCon3), I expect the number to rise again.”

Jed Hartman, senior fiction editor of Strange Horizons wrote, “…often when people ask me about number of submissions {we receive} they then go on to talk about the ‘chances’ of being published in a given venue as a function of number of submissions -- at SH we publish four stories a month, so in one sense the odds are one in 50, while at Asimov’s it’s more like one in 125 … I’m not sure the odds/chances approach is really a good way of thinking about it, because no editor chooses stories randomly from a slush pile; if a writer sends us a story that we love, the chances are close to 100% that we’ll publish it, while for a story that we hate, the chances are zero per cent. It’s more complicated that that, of course…”

Thanks to all the editors who kindly took time to respond to my query. Below are the monthly submission rates I accumulated. All are paying markets (at least a small stipend). Some are print magazines, others are web-zines. They are listed from smallest amount of submissions per month to most.

SUBMISSION RATES PER MONTH:

Chaos Theory: Tales Askew 4 – 10
Anotherrealm 20 – 30
Oceans of the Mind 25 - 50
Albedo One 30 – 40
3-Lobed Burning Eye 30 - 45
Full Unit Hookup 35
Quantum Muse 35 – 40
Challenging Destiny 40
Naked Snake Online 40
Planet Relish 50
Aoife's Kiss 50 - 55
Horror Garage 50 – 200
Fortean Bureau 60
Paradox 70 – 100
Vestal Review 80 – 100
Amazing Journeys 100
Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine 100
Chiaroscuro 100
Would That It Were 100
Artemis 100- 200
Far Sector SFFH 120
On Spec 120
Abyss & Apex 150
Agony in Black 150
Flesh & Blood 150
Space & Time 150 - 200
Indy Men’s Magazine 150 – 240
Weird Tales 180 - 360
Brutarian 200
Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine 200
EOTU 200
Realms of Fantasy 200
Strange Horizons 200
Talebones 200
Futures Mysterious Anthology Magazine 200 – 400
Happy 200 – 500
Cemetery Dance 300
The Third Alternative (US office) 300
Argosy 400
NFG 445
The Pedestal Magazine 500
Absolute Magnitude 500
(The Magazine of) Fantasy & Science Fiction 600
Analog 800
Asimov’s Science Fiction 800 – 850

That’s a lot of stories going out into the world each month.

I think all writers, whether their stories are accepted or not, should be commended for having the courage to put their work out there to be judged.

And the editors should be commended for all the reading they do and the selection of the best for their own ‘zine. Old tale: A visitor at a New York magazine stared in stunned amazement at the huge mound of envelopes piled in the slush reader’s office. “Do all those tell a story?” the visitor asked. The reader replied sadly, “I wish they did.”

Now, as for me, do I send this article out snail mail or as an email attachment?

SCAM TIME

My day (and sometime night and sometime all-day-and-night) job is the general manager of a little coffee house. It is part of a California-based chain that is expanding into other states. Most of the time I enjoy the job and, hey, it pays the bills.

The other day I answer the phone. The woman identifies herself as a representative of our credit card supply company. She asks if all our credit card machines are working properly. Yes, I reply. She then informs me that our credit card supplies are increasing in price at the end of the month and would I like to order now before the increase. No, I answer. End of conversation.

Sounds innocent enough, doesn’t it?

The woman was lying from the get-go. We don’t have a credit card supply company and, if we did, they’d be calling the corporate office not little ol’ me. This supposedly company calls every business they can dial and gives them the same speech. They are hoping that people won’t know who they actually deal with and order supplies from them. The order when it arrives will be the cheapest paper supplies ever seen on the planet and the price will be astronomical. They record every conversation so if they do in up in court they can prove you “ordered” the supplies.

First, I left a note in our log for my shift supervisors. I have or will talk to each of them personally. They know who our suppliers are, there aren’t that many, and if they don’t the name of the company on the line then the answer will always be the same. The person has to talk to me.

Most, but not all, of my shift leads are college students. They haven’t run into people like this before. They don’t know.

Second, I emailed my District Manager to alert her and I asked if I could be a little more blunt and forceful if they called again. I had in mind using George Carlin’s “The Seven Words You can Never Say on Television.” Okay, the word “tits” is on George’s list and I wouldn’t have used that term. If you can see laughing in an email I did when my DM replied. Basically she said to stay professional and not sink to their level. Hey, I’m not above sinking a little when it’s called for.

The shift leads I talked to today had never heard of this scam. I forget how trusting and naïve you are at that age. For the most part anyway.

I remember when I was younger and I fell for a couple of scams. I was, briefly, part of a pyramid ladder until I realized how many people have to become involved before you seen your windfall. Think about it, you only have to bring in two people. Only two. One = two = four = eight = sixteen and by the time your name moves to the top of the pyramid the entire population of the planet has to be involved. I also contributed to a group supporting the families of Highway Patrol officers killed in the line of duty. Donate and you get a supporter sticker to proudly display on your car or in your business’s window. Yeah, only the real Highway Patrol had never heard of this group. I keep reading about the Nigerian scam. In this one you’re contacted by a former general or something from Nigeria. Why they picked you is never explained. The general needs to get his funds out of Nigeria before the bad-guy rebels get them. All he needs his an American bank account to put the money into for safekeeping. He will give you a percentage for helping him. Yeah, go ahead, send some complete stranger your bank account number and see what happens. Can we all say “Bank account cleaned out”? All these scams are still being run because they get people to fall for them. Be alert.

Okay, I’m finished with the soapbox. Anybody else want to borrow it?

In closing, I have just one thing to say to these scammers and it ain’t:

Tits.

WORDS FOR WRITERS

Richard Wheeler is an award-winning author of over fifty novels including Masterson, Seven Miles to Sundown, Obituary for Major Reno and his latest Fire in the Hole. He has a blog called Richard Wheeler's Observations http://westernliterature.blogspot.com/

For writers it is a must read. He talks about writing, the publishing industry and his vanishing genre -- the Western. Terrific insights.

Check it out.

BAD JOKE TIME ... AGAIN

I am well known at my work for telling groaners. I always keep them clean--have to maintain that PC motif--but most of my staff moan after I tell a joke. Okay, sometimes they stare at me with a blank expression then ask for an explanation. Anyway, I'm going to share my latest:

A little boy was looking at his mother and noticed she had a few white hairs among her dark curls. He asked, "Why do you have some white hairs?"

Mom looked over at him. "I get white hairs every time you scare or upset me."

He nodded, accepting the answer, then suddenly his eyes grew large. "What did you do to Grandma?"

“LET’S GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!”

Last year, AFI announced its top 100 Movie Quotes of all time. In my monthly newsletter I’ve been including movie lines that weren’t on the list. But should’ve been. Listed below are some of my favorites:

“What's the point? I mean by the time it takes to get there, you'll ... they'll know if it's a warning or not, yes?" -- Alien

“Rules? In a knife fight? No rules.” -- Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

“I’m gonna make you squeal like a pig. Weeee!” – Deliverance

“Wax on, wax off.” – The Karate Kid

“I never shake hands with a left-handed draw.” -- Johnny Guitar

“You stay alive, no matter what occurs! I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you!” – The Last of the Mohicans

“The worst. I was aiming at the horse.” – The Magnificent Seven

“This is the west, sir. When the legend becomes fact, print the legend.” -- The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance

“There’ll be no locks or bolts between us, Mary Kate … except those in your own mercenary little heart!” – The Quiet Man

“All I want is to enter my house justified.” – Ride the High Country

“Do you know how fine are you to me, Mary McGregor?” – Rob Roy

“Miss Jean Louise, stand up. Your father’s passing.” -- To Kill a Mockingbird

“Abby Normal.” – Young Frankenstein

The title is a line, of course, from probably a thousand thriller and horror movies. Even I’ve used it in my stories.

Resolution

My New Year's resolution is to stop smoking. I'd quit for three years but last September, for a variety of supposedly good reasons, I started again. It was a stupid mistake. Decided that on January 1st I'd quit cold turkey. That was how I quit last time. The gum, pills, and patches didn't work (plus the patches are so difficult to light --haha). Cold turkey. As of the third day of the new year and I'm still smoking. I've cut down considerably but still lighting up. I will beat this addiction. I will win. Promise to post my progress.

THE YEAR 2005 IN REVIEW:
My Stuff

My alternate history thriller, Rebel Nation, was released by Zumaya Publications and received some terrific reviews. I did three book-signings for it. (The library signing/talk had two people in attendance -- thanks again Jenny and Kent, I would've been very lonely without you.)

Two screenplays that were co-written with Mark Sevi, The Nest, and, Darkfall, were optioned by movie producers. Actually received money for one.

Two stories, "Human Resources" and "New World, Old World" appeared in a terrific new magazine, Apex Science Fiction & Horror Digest. "Blood Alley" was reprinted in the Monster's Ink anthology. "The Covenant" (my first Crusader tale) was reprinted in Flashing Swords. My flash story, "Before Me," appeared on the webzine ScienceFictionFantasyHorror.com.

My nonfiction article on fictional bad guys and gals, "Villains," appeared on SFReader. Received trade paperback copy of Tales from the Asylum: Year Two -- which contains my nonfiction article "The Top Ten Movies in Outer Space."

My fourth Crusader tale, “The Beast of Lyoness,” was sold to the Clash of Swords #3: Demons anthology. My flash piece, “Love Letter,” was accepted by the new web-zine Devil’s Work. The French magazine Borderline accepted “Black Moon Night” and the new editor of Finland's Spin reaccepted "The Killing Moon." The editor of the French magazine Phenix confirmed that he still wants to print “The Hunters” but he is having publishing issues.

I did interviews with EpicSFF and SpecFicWorld.

Under my pseudonym, A.M. Norman, my erotic tale, "The Gardener," appeared in Midnight Showcase: Erotic-ahh Digest. Justus Roux’s Erotic Tales accepted my short story, “The Ice Queen.”

Currently I have eight stories and reprints in the pipeline and one novella.

I wrote another screenplay with Mark Sevi, a supernatural horror tale, called Deadlyville. I also penned a screenplay on my own, an updated version of Poe’s “The Masque of the Read Death” called Chill. Poe probably wouldn’t be happy with me.

And, last but not least, I started this blog.

Happy New Year to all.

The joker up top, attempting to look cool, is me.

THE YEAR 2005 IN REVIEW:
Movies on DVD

I used to go to the movies all the time. Not anymore. I only saw a handful of films on the big screen this year – Batman Begins, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, King Kong, and Sahara. Why? A lotta reasons – for the price of a ticket and a soda you can buy a DVD, you don’t have some inconsiderate idiot talking on their cell phone or kicking the back of your chair, you don’t have to watch twenty minutes worth of commercials before the movie starts, you can stop the movie if you need a bathroom run. So most of my movie watching is on the big screen in my living room. Below are the ten DVDs I enjoyed the most. All versions noted were released in this year.

FAVORITES

Batman Begins – This I saw in a theater and bought when it was released on DVD. Without a doubt, my favorite movie released in 2005. A kick-butt, cool story. Few comic book tales translate well to the silver screen. Superman I and II, Spiderman I and II, X-Men, Hellboy are the best. Batman Begins beats them all. This is how it should be done.

Deadwood: Season One – Television has an advantage over movies in that it can tell a story over an extended period of time. This western is incredible. It is raw in plot and dialogue and has a cast of well-developed intriguing characters. Al Swearengen (Ian McShane) is one of the best villains ever and he’s only at the top of the list. There’s Seth Bullock, Trixie, Alma Garret, Sol Star, Calamity Jane, Dan Dority, Doc Cochran, E.B. Farnum and a dozen others. I could go on and on about this show. But be warned, this is not like the westerns your grandfather saw. It is crude and profane and mesmerizing. Thank you producer David Milch and HBO.

Serenity – I never saw the Firefly TV series when it was on the air. I discovered it after it was on DVD and was hooked. I was and wasn’t looking forward to a big screen version. Most movies based on old TV series suck. There are a few exceptions – the Star Trek series (except the first one), The Fugitive and The Brady Bunch movies come immediately to mind. I was surprised and thrilled when I saw it. Good movie with several surprises. Yep, this is a keeper.

Cellular – this tight B-thriller with Kim Basinger and William Macy has better characters and more suspense than most major film releases. I know I really enjoyed a movie when it’s over and I wish I’d written it.

King Kong (1933) – Released for the first time this year. A classic. Not perfect but damn good for a 70-year-old movie.

To Kill a Mockingbird (Legacy Series Edition) – A classic movie based on Harper Lee’s American classic novel. Atticus Finch (Gregory Peck) was voted the Number One Hero in American films by the AFI. I agree.

Bambi (Disney Special Platinum Edition) – First saw this when I was a child with my mother and younger brother. Fond memories, timeless animated film.

Toy Story (10th Anniversary Edition) – What can I say? I’d rather spend time with Woody and Buzz than some people I know.

Seven Men from Now – A lean, tight Randolph Scott western that was released for the first time this year. Worth seeing just for Lee Marvin’s performance. Screenwriters should study the scene where Masters (Marvin) stirs the already tense pot by telling a story that’s "not" about the other three characters in the scene. This is how it should be done.

Desperate Housewives: Season One – There was nothing worth renting at the DVD store. I’d heard about this show but never seen it. Picked it up just to see what all the fuss was about. I was hooked. Terrific, entertaining characters and dialogue, good plot twists. This is only DVD on the list that I don’t own but I probably will.

OKAY BUT…

There were a few DVDs I saw and I was glad I did but I won’t be adding them to my DVD collection: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Cinderella Man, Finding Neverland, Hitch, Hostage, Land of the Dead, Lost, March of the Penguins, Million Dollar Baby, National Treasure, The Notebook, Sahara, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, Shall We Dance? and War of the Worlds. (This could change. As Christmas gifts I was given Cinderella Man and Revenge of the Sith.)

DISAPPOINTMENTS

Saw a lot of films that I will never see a second time. Some had some nice moments but overall one word sums up my viewing experience. Yuck. In alphabetical order (except for the three I disliked the most): Alien vs. Predator, The Aviator, Cursed, Darkness, The Forgotten, The Grudge, The Pacifier, Ray, Saw, The Skeleton Key, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, The Village, and White Noise.

Why were the next three films the worst? I turned them off a quarter way through. Had absolute no interest in wasting any more time on them. The Chronicles of Riddick, House of 1000 Corpses and Resident Evil 2.

THE YEAR 2005 IN REVIEW:
The Printed Page

I used to read for “pleasure” much more than I do now. Not enough time left in the day. Home life and work life keep using up the hours of the day. I no longer even have a current subscription to a daily newspaper. I find I’m reading more stuff on the web than ever before including news stories. That and I reread my own work more often – polishing, tweaking, and editing. But I did find time to read a few real hold-in-your-hands books. Not all were published in 2005 but all were read this year. They were (and I recommend):

Lords of Swords edited by Daniel Blackston – a heroic fantasy anthology from Pitch Black Books. Good tales, well-told.

Garden of Beasts by Jeffrey Deaver – a suspense thriller about an American assassin in Berlin during the 1936 Olympics.

Adventures in the Screen Trade and Which Lie Did I Tell? by William Goldman – I reread these nonfiction books written by one of my favorite authors and screenwriters. Fun stuff and good advice for aspiring screenwriters.

Dean & Me by Jerry Lewis and James Kaplan – the story of the comedy team of Martin and Lewis seen through the eyes of “me” in the title.

Hellboy: Seed of Destruction by Mike Mignola and John Byrne – the speculative fiction graphic novel that inspired the movie. Cool new superhero.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Volume II by Alan Moore and Kevin O’Neill – speculative fiction graphic novel about the League’s second adventure. I hope there’s a third.

The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger – enchanting romance about a time traveler and his soul-mate.

‘Tis Herself by Maureen O’Hara with John Nicoletti – autobiography of the talented and witty actress.

Apex Science Fiction & Horror Digest Volume 1 Issue 3 edited by Jason Sizemore – the third issue of a new speculative fiction quarterly. Terrific short stories (including one of my own).

Creature Features by John Stanley – a comprehensive film guide for science fiction, fantasy, and horror movies. I hope an updated edition is done soon.

Fire in the Hole by Richard S. Wheeler – a Western page-turner about an undercover detective in a wide-open and deadly boom town.

Sitting on my night table, waiting to be read, are Shadow Divers by Robert Kurson (nonfiction), Still Life with Crows by Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child (thriller fiction), Seven Miles to Sundown and An Obituary for Major Reno by Richard S. Wheeler (western fiction). I also intend to pick up a copy of Elmore Leonard’s latest novel, The Hot Kid.

ANOTHER VANISHING SPEC MARKET

I hadn't checked the Zide/Perry web-site in a while. I hadn't because it simply stated that they were revamping their site and would be back soon with a newer and better one. Zide/Perry were producers for the American Pie and Final Destination film series. On their site, they accepted screenplays from novice writers. It was fun sending in scripts to them. They never accepted any of mine but it felt like I was actually touching the Hollywood gates when I sent a screenplay to them. Today the notice about revamping is gone and the server says that there is no such site listed. Another market bites the dust. I just hope that another producer and/or studio picks up this idea. Anyway, it was fun while it lasted.

ADVENTURES IN MOVIELAND

My buddy called and said he was invited along with the screenwriting class he teaches to visit the set where they were filming his latest screenplay, “Trapped in Perfection.” I thought it sounded like fun. Then he added that the day he was invited was the day they were shooting the S&M rave scene. Okay, I’m intrigued. Need to think about this. Do I want to go all the way to Hollywood on one of my rare days off to see a film shoot? A half-second later (perhaps not quite that long), I said to count me in.

The day arrived and four of us—Cindy, Drew, my buddy and me—drive up to the location. It almost didn’t happen. The day of the shoot changed then a couple other problems arose but all came together at last and I’m riding shotgun with the driving directions. All is cool. Then we miss the first freeway interchange. I swear I was looking for it. So was my buddy who was driving. We swing the wide way around and get there. The drive was an adventure in itself.

The first illusion to vanish immediately is the glamour of Hollywood. We’re on Alameda in an old, old (did I say old?) part of Los Angeles. We see homeless guys wandering the street including one in a wheelchair with a Santa hat and beard. I’m wondering if I should be carrying something other than my comb and disposable camera. Definitely don’t want to be here after dark. I write about places like this but I don’t need any “real life” incidents to draw upon. My imagination is enough.

Anyway, after we cross the train tracks with one steel guard arm missing, we find the building. The studio is on the second floor. The first floor is a real “couples” club. We find out that members of the club have been offered extra roles in the rave scene. Oh, yeah, they have to bring their own wardrobe. Hmmm…

We enter the building and are directed upstairs. Head down a long hall. The extras are everywhere. And I see more leather than at dairy farm. We reach the set. More people. But this group is the production crew. They are putting up lights and checking the props on the set. The set is a club with a bar, disc jockey station, booths, dance floor, a raised stage with poles for dancers, and several twirling disco lights. There’s also a statue of a smiling mustached red devil, a tall wooden A-frame to handcuff people to who want to whipped (or is the right term “flogged”?), a bench for people to bend over who want to be spanked, and a glass enclosed room with a bright red leather sofa. (No clue about the room’s function. Perhaps if the club music is too loud and your tush is tired of being paddled you go there for a little conversation.) We try to stay out of the way. These people are working. The first guy I talk to, briefly, is the sound guy. He’s watching a football game on his tiny portable TV. He’s ready so he’s just killing time until they’re ready to shoot. He says the best investment he ever made was in that tiny TV. Nice guy. They were all nice people even we were in their way.

My buddy finds the director, Michel Katz (California Myth). We’re introduced. He is a very friendly and affable man. He says he’ll catch up with us soon. He does but right then he needs to check on the set and get ready for the scene walk-through. Later, he tells us which room to go into so we can watch his monitor while the scene is shot. Cool.

We look around. There’re a lot of people working. It appears to be controlled chaos but everyone knows their job and is accomplishing it. My buddy talks to several different people. The other three of us just try to stay out of the way. I try not to trip over any cables or knock any equipment over. I succeed with this endeavor thankfully.

Elise Muller (Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy) sees my buddy and comes over. She is the lead in the movie. I think this is her biggest role so far. She greets all of us. She is a very nice person, warm and genuine. Okay, yes, she’s also a beautiful woman. She talks with us then poses for a few pictures. Don’t know what got into me. To get me into the group shot, Elise has to pull me over beside her. I thought I’d gotten over my shyness back in high school. Guess not. Once a geek, always a geek I reckon. I hear her talking to my buddy about her character’s motivation in this scene then she has to go. She checks on us a couple times during the day. Like I said, a very nice person.

Brien Perry (Tiger Cruise and The Wedding Video) comes over to us. Brien is the villain in the movie. He is very friendly and very pumped up about his part in the film. He jokes and laughs and his demeanor is contagious. My guess is that Brien is the center of attention at every get-together and party he attends. He’s the kind of person who sends off good vibes and people just like being around him for that.

It’ll be interesting to see how they play their roles in the finished film. I start thinking that Elise would be a good choice for Dr. Nicole Fairchild and Brien for Major Stephen Light in the screenplay that my buddy and I co-wrote, The Nest. I mention my thought to him. He just looks at me. He’s had over a dozen screenplays filmed. The Nest is my first. But I realize instantly that our screenplay has only been optioned, the financing has not yet been arranged and, if it does happen, the producer won’t ask us writers for our opinions on casting. Still I think they would be terrific.

Later we’re standing on the dance floor. One of the Assistant Directors (I’m lousy at remembering titles so he may have had another position but he was one of the director’s team) is there. This very tall blonde in black leather appears and says she a fire-eater. She goes on to explain what she does and the AD takes off to inform Michel. My buddy asks how she got into that. If I remember correctly she just thought it’d be neat to learn. She adds that when she was visiting Thailand she saw some five and six year-old boys doing the trick and they taught her. Soon the AD returns and they take off to talk. I didn’t get the impression that this woman and her talent was a planned shot in the scene but she’s here and they’re definitely going to take advantage of the fact.

Still on the dance floor, my buddy leans against a high-top table and quickly yanks his arm back. He says it’s sticky. No one says anything for a moment then we’re all chuckling. I think we all had the same disgusting thought.

We move back to the equipment/snack area just as the extras file in. It’s the United Nations in black leather and chains. Someone from every race and nationality seems to be represented. We have short skirts, long skirts, tight pants, baggy pants, short shorts, vests, jackets (some zipped all the way up and some zipped down to pierced navel), skin-tight tee shirts and halters. All in black except one big guy who is wearing black make-up around his eyes. He has the black shirt but these baggy electric-bright purple pants. All the extras are given masks to wear.

My buddy asks if any of us wants to be an extra. Drew and I decline but Cindy’s up for it. One of the production assistants gives her a mask and takes her onto the set.

We look around while the extras are placed in their positions. Discover the Orgy Room that is decked out with mattresses and red sheets and red draperies. One of the set designers shows us a motel room he built. Looks very real. I swear I stayed in a room just like this one up near the Grand Canyon many years ago. It even had the same crappy bedspread.

Time to shoot the scene. We end up in a room with the director and his team. The fire-eater is there, too. The actors walk through the scene with the camera. Michel makes changes. Wants an extra in this spot or that. Drapes need to be added to one area. Discusses the best spot for the fire-eater. Decides that one of the pole dancers should be topless. Concludes that the woman flogging the guy on the A-frame won’t be a distraction. An assistant arranges it all. Elise comes into the room. She has a question about the line of dialogue she has at the end of the scene that she says to Brien. They start to discuss it. My buddy—his mind shifting into rewrite mode—speaks up. "Don’t say anything. Just look at him then walk away." They all agree that is much better and that’s what they’ll do. Everything is set. Smoke machines turned on. Camera rolls. They shoot the scene. Then Michel decides to do it once more. They do. Michel says “print.” One of the assistants yells “Lunch.”

All that work for a scene that will last probably one minute in the completed film.

We grab a quick bite with the crew. The room we eat in is a set. One corner is a law office and another is a radio station booth. The other half is a doctor’s office.

It’s decided that it’s time to leave. Long drive home. We thank Michel and everyone we met. We head out. Past two dozen more extras who have just arrived. I wonder if Michel will re-shoot the scene with more people in the background or use what he has. I understand they are a day or two behind shooting and Thursday is their final scheduled day. Don’t know.

It was a fun and interesting day. I hope the film turns out well for all those involved. Like I said, they were nice people and the film looks like it will be an intriguing erotic thriller.
I hope the next set I visit will be for the screenplay that my buddy and I co-wrote. No S&M raves in that story. Just a ten-story science research facility. Maybe I need to expand my scene locations. Hmmm…

NAKED

Nude, uncovered, bare, unclad, undressed, au natural, denuded, exposed, disrobed, unguarded, open, unconcealed, stark, stripped and bare-ass.

Not much happening with me today. A fellow Zumayan writer, Erin OBrien, put a nude photo of herself on her web-site (well, kinda). Her blog has been hammered by visits and comments. I added a stupid comment myself to the list. Anyway, since I'm not as out-going as she is (and don't have the nerve) I decided just to list the word "naked" and some of its synonyms. I'm going to see if my visit and comment counter takes a jump. It'll probably turn out to be another lame idea in a long line of lame ideas. Whoa, probably shouldn't use the words naked and lame in the same paragraph.

Well, back to writing. Maybe I'll write while nude. Haven't done that before. Nahhh...

THE INCREDIBLE AND TRUE STORY

OF

WHY THE ANGEL IS ON TOP OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE

One year long ago at the North Pole, Santa was having a lot of problems. Numerous supplies he’d ordered to build toys were backordered and, in some cases, cancelled altogether. Several hundred bags of mail had been misplaced. The Elves Union was threatening to go on strike if their new contract wasn’t approved. Rudolph had the flu and his nose wasn’t glowing at all. Prancer and Dancer had gotten into a major argument and flatly refused to be on the same harness team with the other. His doctor had sent him a curt note stating that he had to immediately cut down on his milk consumption. Then he forgot an anniversary from his dating days with Mrs. Claus and she wasn’t speaking to him.

As he sat at his desk, he muttered to himself, “That’s it. I’m at the end of my rope here. I can’t handle more one thing.”

Just then a cute little angel, dragging a Christmas tree, walked into the office and said, “Hey, Santa, what do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?”

And that, boys and girls, is why the angel is on top of the Christmas tree.

Amazon

Both my novels, Rebel Nation, and, The Inheritance, are listed at Amazon. I promote this when I send out my monthly newsletter. The novels can be purchased through Amazon or the actual printer Booksurge. Booksurge is faster but a lot people are nervous about ordering through companies they haven't dealt with before. Amazon is a known name and a more comfortable enviroment for ordering on-line.

My cousin calls the other day. Wants to order a copy of The Inheritance but Amazon says they have no copies. I check out Amazon and TI is listed as out of copies. On the RN page it says there is one copy at a used book store. I click on it. The book store is selling RN for 51 dollars and change. Huh? When did my novel become a rare collector's item? What does this book store know that my publisher and I don't? Amusing.

I wrote my editor, Liz Burton, and she responded with this email:

Here's the way it works:

1.Amazon runs out of copies.

2.Amazon notifies Booksurge.

3. Booksurge prints no. of copies requested and ships to Amazon warehouse

4. Amazon warehouse receives copies and updates book status.

Chances are if your cousin orders the book anyway he will get an email in a day or two that it's "shipping sooner than expected." That's whathappened to me with an order I placed where they'd run out of copies.

Cool. So, shameless plug here, order from Amazon anyway (or go to Booksurge or www.zumayapublications.com). Both novels would make excellent Christmas presents for the reader in the family. RN is listed for $15 and TI for $13.

REBEL NATION
The Alternate-History Thriller

by Christopher Stires

“A chilling alternate history suspense novel …
Stires builds a memorable cast of characters that rivals the best of Turtledove.” – Apex Science Fiction & Horror Digest
"... a novel heavy in alternate reality and rich in character...
you forget at parts that this is not a history book or based on real events." -- EpicSFF
"... a twisting, intriguing and downright solid story that shouldn't be passed over." -- The Romance Studio
"This is an intriguing novel ... fast paced .. a lot going on .... I like the twists both in the plot and in the world." -- The Eternal Night (UK)

THE INHERITANCE
Winner of the 2003 Dream Realm Award for Horror
“… a very good first novel ... an excellent introduction to an author who shows promise for big things." -- Fangoria Magazine "In all, a very well written book reminiscent of my favourite, Dean Koontz." -- Eternal Night Magazine (UK) “Rarely do stories capture the reader's interest so absolutely, but this one does … sinister and chilling…” -- Timeless Tales

Have a great day. Happy shopping.

Two Short Story Successes

Short stories are a dying breed as are the publications that produce them but that’s for a different blog entry.

So, on with this entry: Find a story worth telling (a lot aren’t). Write it (sometimes the first draft is perfect – okay, I can dream, can’t I?). Then rewrite the story. Then rewrite it again and give it a good polish. Then push it out of the nest and send it to editors. Sometimes they return bruised and bloody. A lot of times they return with a “thanks for visiting but doesn’t fit in here.” Occasionally they return with notes on how they could be better (fifty-fifty whether or not the notes are helpful). And, once in a while when the stars and moon and sun are in perfect alignment, they are asked to stay at the house they were sent to.

Twice it has occurred this month for me. I’m pleased. Both are original stories (not reprints). It’s exciting and very cool when someone who is not a relative or friend likes the story you’ve created and they want to include it in their zine or anthology. It’s even better when they offer money to show your story. Yeah, it’s very cool.

I have about ten stories in the mail currently. The last couple of months have been pretty quiet. A few rejections have come but not many. Still I check my email and snail mail box every day. Okay, I check more than once a day.

A week ago, a new web-zine called Devil’s Work accepted a flash story I wrote. (Just in case you don’t know, a flash story is a tale under 1000 words.) My story clocked in at 360 words. I’m pleased. This acceptance marks my 80th acceptance. I use the word “acceptance” because not all my acceptances included money. Sometimes, especially in the beginning of my writing career, I accepted exposure with web-zines and payment in copies with print zines. I don’t regret a single sale. FYI, of the eighty, five were for non-fiction articles and 15 were accepted then the zine folded before publication. So 60 have been for fiction tales. Some were reprints which means I sold the same story more than once. Haven’t counted that group. That means my original sales are less than sixty. Long winded, ain’t I?

Today, Sunday, I received a very nice acceptance from editor Armand Rosamilia at Carnifex Press. He wrote that my story was the first he was accepting for his new anthology called Clash of Steel: Book Three – Demon. He added a couple more compliments. I’m tickled. Really. This will be a cool anthology to be part of. As for the story, “The Beast of Lyoness,” is my fourth Crusader tale. Patrick Novarro is the only character I’ve ever created that I’ve written one than more story about. I like him and enjoy sending him on adventures. About time for a fifth story in his saga to rescue the loved and loving Lenore.

In the meantime, I’m cracking open a fresh bottle of Mountain Dew and celebrating.

Amusing … at least to me … I think

The other day I made an appointment with my massage therapist. My body was one giant knot on top of another knot. A Swedish and deep tissue massage sounded wonderful. I’d been there several times before and I’m very comfortable with my therapist. Usually I’m the only client there. It’s a one-person office.

I arrive and Karen has just finished running my whirlpool tub. I strip, head down the hall and into the tub. The hot pulsating water is terrific. I nearly fall asleep.

The whirlpool ends, I dry off and head back down the hall to the massage room. I’m nude at this point. As I said I’m very comfortable at this office. Plus Karen has massaged 99% of my body over the years. No big deal to me or to Karen. Also I have discovered that being nude is relaxing.

I enter the massage room, climb onto the table, and cover myself with the sheet. Just before Karen comes in, I hear her talking to someone. Don’t think much about it. Karen comes in and the massage begins. I can’t fall asleep on the table this time (I have in the past) because Karen is finding knot after knot in my muscles. Slowly I begin to relax. At some point during the hour I hear sounds of someone in the outer office. It dawns on me that Karen wasn’t talking to someone on the phone earlier but to someone in the office. Uh-oh.

Massage finishes. My body feels better. Still knotted in spots but not like before. I get dressed. I walk into the outer office to pay my bill. There’s a woman sitting in the waiting room. She looks at me and her face turns bright red. Then she looks at her feet. Karen doesn’t mention anything but I realize, without a doubt, that this woman was in the office when I took my naked stroll down the hall. I’ve never “flashed” anyone before and that’s what I must’ve done by her reaction to me. I didn’t intend that. I pay my bill, Karen and I tell each other to have a nice day, I leave. Outside, I start laughing. Good grief. I guess I need to be a little more discreet next time. Or, at least, suck my gut in when I’m strolling naked down hallways.

TOP TEN CHRISTMAS MOVIES

Bought my Christmas cards today and located the Christmas CDs. Started thinking about my favorite films and specials from this time of year. Decided to share whether you want to hear it or not. These are my Top Ten:

10) Scrooge (aka The Christmas Carol) from 1951 with Alister Sim. At some point before Christmas I'll end up watching this one again. It was a toss-up between this version and the 1999 one with Patrick Stewart.

9) The Ref. This dark comedy with Denis Leary and Kevin Spacey is hysterical.

8) How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I may be one of the people who enjoys both the animated version and the Jim Carrey movie (and I don't normally care for Carrey -- maybe it's because he's hidden under all the make-up. Hmmm.)

7) A Charlie Brown Christmas. Yeah, I get sentimental and sappy sometimes and have flashbacks to my childhood.

6) Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol. See above.

5) Miracle on 34th Street. The old b&w version with Maureen O'Hara, Edmund Gwenn, John Payne, and a very young Natalie Wood.

4) National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Chevy Chase used to be in very funny movies and this one is funny.

3) It's a Wonderful Life. Jimmy Stewart, Donna Reed and Clarence the Angel. Now that it's not being shown a thousand times a month I can enjoy it again. "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his/her wings."

2) A Christmas Story. This movie cracks me up. From beginning to end. Go ahead, stick your tongue on an ice-cold pole. It won't stick. Wrap little brother in so much winter clothes he can't get up when he falls. And "You'll shoot your eye out."

and (drum roll, please) in the Number One Spot, my favorite Christmas movie of all:

Die Hard

Hey, back off. It takes place during Christmas. That's why Bruce Willis is in Los Angeles. To see his family for the holidays. That's why the company is having a party in the building. (At least I didn't say Lethal Weapon which also takes place at Christmas. That would've been sick.)

Romantic Movies

Romantic dramas and comedies, hmmm…

I’m in a strange mood today. For better or worse, I’ll jump off into the deep end of this pool. This isn’t a genre that I normally check out when I hit the DVD store or channel surf. A lot of so-called “romantic” movies put me to sleep. Don’t care for films like An Affair to Remember or A Star is Born (any of the 83 versions of this tale) or Bridges of Madison County or Last Tango in Paris. I wish someone would put Baby in the corner permanently (Dirty Dancing) and the ship would sink sooner (Titanic) and “love means never having to say you’re sorry” is one of the lamest remembered quotes ever (Love Story). I’d rather watch a B TV western or a Z horror movie than be forced to sit through Jerry Maguire or Doctor Zhivago or Summer of ‘42.

But a few creep under the radar and I’m hooked. Completely. Thoroughly. Here are my top ten in alphabetical order (why alpha order – just cuz):

The American President
As Good as It Gets
Casablanca
My Fair Lady
The Quiet Man
Roman Holiday
Shakespeare in Love
Singin’ in the Rain
What Dreams May Come
You’ve Got Mail

On a second top ten list would be: The African Queen, Love Actually, Moonstruck, The Music Man, Pillow Talk, Pretty Woman, Sabrina, Sleepless in Seattle, To Catch a Thief, and Working Girl.

Good grief, maybe I’m a closet romantic.

Quick put on a Clint Eastwood shoot-‘em-up or anything with a lotta explosions.

BAD GUYS WIN

(Warning: Don’t read any further if you don’t want to know the endings of several movies.)

Last night I watched The Skeleton Key with Kate Hudson. Intriguing storyline steeped in Old Southern atmosphere. I was hooked. Then I reached the end. And the bad guys won. Ruined the movie for me as it did in Darkness. Didn’t like it.

There are only three possible endings: 1) Good guys win. 2) Bad guys win. 3) Nobody wins.

Back in the days of Old Hollywood, only two of the three endings were allowed. Good always defeated bad and, occasionally, nobody won. Examples of no one winning would be John Huston’s The Maltese Falcon and The Treasure of Sierra Madre.

In the Sixties, the old Product Code was replaced with the Ratings Board and things changed. We saw new characters like the anti-heroes in Cool Hand Luke and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. In those films, Law-and-Order destroyed Luke Jackson (Paul Newman) and Randle McMurphy (Jack Nicholson) to protect Society. They played outside the rules and had to be stopped. The title characters in Spartacus and Braveheart rebelled against the corrupt powers in control and forfeited their lives for their actions.

In most movies the good-guys-win scenario is still used because it works. In Jaws, Alien, Aliens, Independence Day and countless others evil is defeated. The audience roots for the heroes to beat the bad guy (or thing) and they do. Usually at the high cost of supporting characters but they do. And we cheer. But occasionally (suspense-thrillers and horror movies being the prime culprits) evil wins out over good. Does it work? Does it make a satisfying story?

The answer: Sometimes. Or as my old novel workshop instructor used to say often -- Depends.

Chinatown, The Silence of the Lambs, Taxi Driver (yes, Travis Bickle is a bad guy), Witness for the Prosecution, and Body Heat are examples of the bad guys winning and the endings in these films are terrific. I don’t think they work in The Usual Suspects, Frailty, and Arlington Road. In The Godfather I and II, Michael Corleone defeats his family’s enemies but loses his soul in doing so. Look at Michael in the beginning of the first film – he’s a young, decorated veteran. Slowly he becomes worse than his enemies. (He was always smarter.) The Godfather films’ endings are much more powerful than if he’d been killed at the conclusion as would have happened in Old Hollywood. Other thrillers where the bad guys win include Basic Instinct, The Talented Mr. Ripley, and Primal Fear.

In the horror field, the odds are even money on who will win between the good guys and bad guys. Sometimes the main good character survives but so does the bad guy. Examples of this type of ending would be Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Other times, the bad guys flat out win. Examples would be Rosemary’s Baby, The Omen (a personal favorite), Colossus: The Forbin Project, The Stepford Wives, Fallen, Jeepers Creepers, and Final Destination.

Do they work?

Sometimes.

What was my point here? Whether good, bad, or no one wins the ending has to be perfect for that particular story. Robert Towne’s screenplay for Chinatown is a perfect example of excellent screenwriting. It’s beautiful. Still director Roman Polanksi rewrote the original ending and Polanski’s ending is on-the-money. It is the right ending for that story.

Lesson in Storytelling

The other night I watched the western Wyatt Earp (1994). The movie was co-written and directed by Lawrence Kasdan. It stars Kevin Costner, Gene Hackman, Dennis Quaid, Michael Madsen, Bill Pullman, and many others. Top of the line in all aspects. There is no debate about that. Wyatt Earp is the life story of a western lawman. I know the true story and the Hollywood version of the true story. It has been dramatized in film before, most notably in John Ford’s My Darling Clementine (1946) with Henry Fonda, The Gunfight at the O.K. Corral (1957) with Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas, and Hour of the Gun (1967) with James Garner. It is an intriguing story that can resonate with each generation’s retelling.

Wyatt Earp despite its top-line cast and crew, despite its scope and earnest aspirations, does not work. It’s stiff and, the worst of all movie sins, boring. But it can be a learning experience. Watch it.

Then watch Tombstone (1993). This film was written by Kevin Jarre and directed by George Cosmatos. It stars Kurt Russell, Val Kilmer, Sam Elliott, Powers Boothe and Michael Biehn. It tells the same basic story as Wyatt Earp involving the same historical characters but in an hour’s less time. This movie works. The characters are vivid and more developed. The dialogue is memorable and individual. The suspense and action more involving. This film is in my top ten of westerns.

Watch both films. You’ll see the difference. It will be clear. Compare the dialogue and characters; hold up side-by-side the dramatic tone and suspense. Watch, learn. Now I need to review my latest writing. Did I create a Tombstone or a Wyatt Earp?

Story Responses

Received 4 responses to short story submissions I'd sent out. None were sales. Oh, well. Back in the mail they will go. One was a 125-day from Vestal Review, a flash webzine. (Had to resubmit this one. The editor, a good guy, couldn't find the original submission. Responded to the resub in less than a day.) One was to City Slab -- it was 125-days, too. The editor of Lone Star Stories responded the same day (it was an email sub by the way). The last one was 179-day response to a story I had withdrawn six weeks ago when an editor expressed interest in the story for his new anthology book. Do I move this from the "withdrawal" category to the "Rejection" column or leave it where it was? Decisions, decisions.

Rejections don't sting like they used to. I don't take it personally. You have to risk rejection in order to sell. I always remember that for the longest time Babe Ruth held the home run record in baseball. He also held the strike-out record. You can't hit the long ball if you don't swing.

My rejections stand currently at 385. But sales of fiction stories, reprints, and nonfiction articles stand at 79. That's about 19% if I don't count withdrawals and magazines that folded before responding. 13% if I include all submissions without reason. Not too bad. Can't complain.

In fact, I think I'll swing for the bleachers.

...Not...

Part 2

People continue to amaze me. I gave my assistant her "walking papers" today.

This is not about my ego. At first I was stunned by the investigation results. I felt betrayed. After all I trained this person, trusted her, and supported her aim to rise in management. At first I was pisssed but I shouldn't have been. There is only one person whose actions I can control. And that's me. There is only one person whose view of the world I can truly understand. Mine. I can't feel what another person is feeling (or believes) because I haven't lived their life. I can try and I do try but a lot times I just shake my head in disbelief.

This person was stealing product and giving it to friends and people she wanted to impress. We have several witnesses, several signed statements. Of course, my assistant never expected the staff to tell. She was too well respected and "loved" by the staff. That and no one wants to be labeled a snitch.

She forget one important thing though. Most people (despite what the news headlines say) are honest. Most people are not thieves. And they resent being made unwilling accomplishes.

When I told just part of the investigation results, she interrupted with the respond that this was a witch hunt -- that I had set her up because she didn't like one of my "pet" staff members. She added that the store would not survive without her. Oh, jeez, I guess I should be afraid.

Our store is a small cog in a big company. Most of us just want to do our jobs to the best of our abilities and go home to our families. We don't want to hurt anyone or be hurt ourselves. And if during the course of our work we can bring a little smile into one of our guests' lives then it's all cool. And if it disappears tomorrow perhaps someone will miss us a little.

But if it does end tomorrow I want it not to be for something stupid that I did and thought I could get away with it.

Okay, I'm done with the soap box. Who's gets it next?

S/F Films in 1981

Second year in the decade and a good year for s/f movies. At least in my humble opinion. Here we go:

The Oscar for Best Picture that year went to Chariots of Fire. Don’t remember much about this movie. It could be good; it could be bad. I don’t remember much about it except that it’s about athletes competing in the Olympics at the turn of the last century. This is what I do remember; it’s an early example of a music video. There’s a slow-motion scene of athletes running along the beach to a tune by Vangelis (and, yeah, I had to look up the composer's name).

These are the movies from 1981 that I do remember. And clearly. (Yes, I wonder about me sometimes, too.)

First is one of my favorite movies of all time – Raiders of the Lost Ark. The advertising tagline was: “The creators of JAWS (Spielberg) and STAR WARS (Lucas) now bring you the ultimate hero in the ultimate adventure.” And it was true. A terrific film. Harrison Ford is Indiana Jones and Karen Allen is Marion (the best of Indy’s leading ladies). And let’s not forget Paul Freeman as Belloq. He’s on my top-ten list of best villains.

Also that year: Superman 2 -- this movie is one of the best of the comic-book/graphic-novel adaptations. The Road Warrior -- the best Mel Gibson as Mad Max films. Both are solid entertainments.

In 1981 there were several good (but not great s/f) movies. The list would include: An American Werewolf in London, John Carpenter’s Escape from New York with Kurt Russell, John Boorman’s Excalibur, Outland with Sean Connery, Scanners with its classic head-exploding scene, Time Bandits, and Wolfen. All have their flaws but are definitely noteworthy.

At the other end of the scale were the sequels to Friday the 13th and Halloween. Freddy and Michael deserved better than these follow-ups. Damien grows up in The Final Conflict: Omen 3. The first movie in the trilogy is terrific, this film ain’t. On the bad scale were also: Clash of the Titans, Little Shop of Horrors (the musical), and Michael Crichton’s Looker.

On most movie guides they have the listing BOMB. I created a new one for the last film of this list – CRAP BOMB. Once I heard an actor (I think it was George Peppard) asked why he made a series of bad films. He called them his “alimony movies.” He said he took the projects so he could make his alimony payments. I bring this up because Richard Harris is in this film and I hope they paid him a lot of alimony money. The film on my CRAP BOMB list is Tarzan, the Ape Man. John and Bo Derek took a beloved character and “crapped” on him. I’ve seen home movies on old 8mm that were better than this. I’m done now.

Coming soon: 1982.

Fun, Fun ... Not

Back from the GM convention in San Diego. Went okay. Met some nice co-workers and was recognized for my store's successes. Not awarded but given a honorable mention. Not too bad considering my store is one of the quietest in the company and we beat out 155 other locations in two categories.

But, putting a damper on things, was a personal investigation I did at my store just prior to the convention. I discovered that one of my assistants (and my most senior staff member) has been stealing. Caught her and have witnesses. She's dust. Period. End of discussion. Damn. Sometimes people surprise you. They do incredibly stupid stuff then when they get caught (and they always do), they act like it's your fault. Oh, well, screw it ... and her. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time as they say.

Personal life in the toilet, too. Sometimes it just doesn't pay to get outta bed in the morning. Well, things will get better. Or they won't.

Speculative Fiction in the Movies: 1980

Since I’d done a list of terrific and influential S/F in the 1970s, I decided to review the decade of the Eighties. I got as far as 1980. S/F was well represented in that year. So here’s my list (sure hope my resource material is correct):

The Oscar for Best Picture went to Ordinary People (not a good omen).

It should have gone to what has become a classic: George Lucas’ The Empire Strikes Back. For my money this is the best Star Wars film in the series. Slightly ahead of the first (or is it the third?) film in the series. This movie rocks. The characters are all in place and a few new ones have been added. Luke learns the ways of the Jedi from Yoda then faces mano-a-mano one of the great screen villains of all-time – Darth Vader. Leia and Han fall in love as they battle the Empire. Lando makes his first appearance. C3P0 and R2D2 are still the comic relief and let’s not forget Chewie or Jabba the Hut. The beginning battle on the ice planet Hoth would have been a climax in other films. Cool movie even with the cliffhanger ending (we moaned and groaned about that because we knew it’s be three years or more before the next film was released – then we went back and saw it again.)

But other terrific s/f films were released that year: The Shining (I loved King’s book and, for me, with a couple exceptions the movie was a disappointment), Superman 2 (one the best of the comic-book hero movies), Star Trek: The Motion Picture (we’d have to wait until the second film in the series for them to get it right), Mad Max (this introduced Mel Gibson to the world), Friday the Thirteenth (this welcomed Jason to the world), The Changeling (classic ghost story with George C. Scott), and Brian de Palma’s Dressed to Kill.

Plus there was Altered States, The Awakening, Battle Beyond the Stars (Roger Corman “big” budget film – a space opera remake of The Magnificent Seven), Death Ship, The Final Countdown (Kirk Douglas and the USS Nimitiz are transported back to Hawaii just prior to the attack on Pearl Harbor), The Fog (a John Carpenter head-scratcher – why did they remake this?), He Knows You’re Alone (notably only because it had Tom Hanks’ first role in it) The Howling (strange little werewolf film that doesn’t take itself too seriously), Saturn 3 (how could you go wrong with Kirk Douglas, Farrah Fawcett and Harvey Keitel? – watch this film and see how), Somewhere in Time (time travel romance) and Terror Train.

1981 coming soon. (After the GM convention in San Diego probably – gotta pay those pesky monthly bills that keep cropping up.)

YIPEEEE!!!!!

My copy of the signed contract for The Nest and my share of the option arrived in the mail today. I am beside myself. The science fiction-horror tale that Mark and I co-wrote is going to be made into a movie. A production company paid us real money for it. This is too coooool. A long-life dream has come true. Big smiles all around.

The Nest.

The experiment succeeded ... now no one is safe. A top-secret bio-research lab has gone on maximum alert. No one inside the building or any of the first investigators have emerged. Now a beautiful scientist and a team of Special Forces soldiers have entered the ten-story building to search for survivors. What they find has never walked the earth before. In the vein of Alien, Jeepers Creepers, Predator and Die Hard.

Updates will follow as they occur.

Okay. Once more: YIPEEEEEE!!!!!

Confession (Shhhhh.....)

Another Halloween has come and gone. I survived but I wasn't sure my cat, Sabrina, was going to. All the little ghosts and goblins and fairy princesses coming to the door freaked her out. She hid under my desk for the entire night. About half-way through Tuesday she seemed to come back to normal. I have a scaredy cat.

Okay, confession time. Don't tell anyone. I write horror stories and thrillers. I've killed off more characters in gruesome ways than you can think of. I try to keep up on the current market trends. I check out Fangoria regularly to see what's new in the genre. I check out the horror site at Barnes & Noble. I plan on renting Devil's Rejects and the new House of Wax to see what they are about. (Okay the one movie has Paris Hilton being murdered and that alone is worth the rental cost -- but I digress.)

The other day I rented Lost. Hadn't seen the show but wanted to see what all the fuss is about. It's mildly entertaining. Too much unexplained stuff. Even X-Files, one of my favorite shows of all time, had problems with this. Big build-up but lame pay-off. Endings are a bear. Plus the only interesting characters are Locke, Sawyer, and Hurley. Okay, the Said character had possibilities but they haven't done much with him so far. The main characters are too one-dimensional. Oh, well.

Now the confession ... I also picked up the first Disc of Desperate Housewives. I'm hooked. I shouldn't be. This isn't the type of show that usually interests me. There are, of course, the mystery elements. Why did Mary Alice kill herself? Who's Dana and is she the skeleton in the toy box? Who is Mike and what's he doing in the neighborhood? (If you know the answers to these questions -- please don't tell me.) But that's just part of why I'm hooked. It's funny, it's written well, and I like the four main characters. I hate to think what Susan's ditzy-accident prone life would be like if her daughter, Julie, wasn't there to save her from herself. Susan is just a plain likeable character. Lynette, too. Trying to take care of her kids and nothing seems to work. You feel for her. Loved the moments when she ordered the boys out of the car and left them, and when she told the alpha mom at the new school to step outside. Bree -- the Stepford version of June Cleaver. She's scary. Although I can't picture June telling Ward that she's willing to do anything he wants sexually. Then there's Gabrielle ... playing Mrs. Robinson with the teenaged gardener. Waiting for that to explode big time. I'm done now. Don't tell anyone what I just shared with you. I have my reputation to protect. Shhhh....